January 2020 - Compassion Group Notes

Forgiveness

Have you ever considered what this word actually means? Generally, it is understood as, “You did something awful to me, but I have risen above it and from this lofty place of righteousness, I will let you off the hook for what you did.” This is the lens of second quadrant, and so the paradigm within which we all live.

If one examines this dynamic closely, it is easy to discern that the one wronged felt “one down,” or victimized. Forgiveness then means adopting a one up position and seeing the other person as one down and being better than them, by “forgiving” them, instead of enacting vengeance of an “eye for an eye.” However, by assuming the one up position, one IS enacting superiority and judgment, and this is, in its very essence, vengeance. It also belies a hope that our “forgiveness,” will result in our need being met for the other person to “own” what they did, so that I can free myself of inner self blame and self-doubt.  We long to hear, “Yes, I did that to you – it was all my fault, you are right, I am so sorry,” etc.  Think about why we need this? And will our “forgiving the other person” result in this need being met. It would be nice, to be sure, but highly unlikely that someone else would meet that need. It would be far better to depend on yourself than to be dependent on the perpetrator for you healing.

True forgiveness is looking to see how we ourselves are internally triggered into old hurts or examining what created the original inner splits and suffering and taking responsibility to do the hard, inner work of healing the inner split, meeting our wounding with presence, compassion, insight and enquiry. If we did this, we would not have to do anything, or require anything of the one who wounded us. We would then clearly see that it is their responsibility to heal the split within themselves, that lead to the perpetration (self forgiveness), and that there is nothing we can do to help them with their own shame and guilt. We would not seek to wreak vengeance on them in any way, and certainly not by “forgiving them from a self-righteous, lofty position of superiority.” This attitude and approach does nothing but trigger shame and guilt from which further perpetration is likely to happen, by them trying to one up and dethrone you from the god position of bestowing pardon on them.  And so, the cycle continues.

So, when we think about past wrongs perpetrated by parents, teachers, and authorities in our younger lives, we are required to forgive those that harmed us. And this means accepting the fullest responsibility to heal ourselves, so that we do not play the game of victim/perpetrator. This can only happen when we have learned to be lovingly present to ourselves, no matter what we have done, and so this same grace is extended to other, no matter what they have done. This in no way implies excusing bad behavior. Being lovingly present means that you will be both tender and caring, insightful and understanding, and also firm in limit setting the next time you or anyone else acts out of the victim/perpetrator paradigm.

By focusing on what the other person did to us, instead of on the inner dynamic of what we are doing to ourselves when we are wronged, we are actually abandoning ourselves and perpetrating against ourselves. Surely what is required immediately is our own mature loving presence to the wounded aspect of our being.  Consider how much internal forgiveness is required for all the ways in which you have perpetrated against yourself.

Self Forgiveness

"Self-forgiveness is a profound act of self-love and self-compassion that lightens our burden of guilt, calms our feelings of self-rejection, and ends our need for self-destructive behavior. It also frees our heart from self-inflicted pain and suffering."

~Marion Moss Hubbard, From The Heroic Path to Self-Forgiveness

Internal Steps to Take

• Become aware of the “sin” or “crime” – which may or may not be in accordance with the morality of the culture. So how do we even know when we have sinned? Whenever we create separation and conflict within ourselves or between ourselves and others out of our own unaware fear, shame and need. This is a much broader definition than obeying the rules of society.

• Own the behavior (confession) without denial, excuses, rationalizations, justifications or minimization. “Yes, I did it.” This is the first courageous step in self-responsibility requiring the quality of humility. If we feel so much shame for what we did then it is hard to humble ourselves and own it. Shame leads to defensiveness and to find the humility to take full responsibility requires a mature soul that does not decompensate into self-pity and shame.

• Question yourself as to the feelings and needs underlying the “sin.” This is what motivated the reactivity in you and is what must be re-experienced, accepted and loved.

• Ask yourself, “To what does this go back?” All feelings and needs that are still being acted on in an externalized way go back to childhood. They are in fact memory states.

• When you can see the deep suffering underlying the actions examine what is awakened in you?  Judgment? Or the willingness to feel the pain of that suffering and love the one who is suffering? Judgment creates more separation, splitting, shame and hatred. In other words, you are now perpetrating on the victim and compounding the original sin with more sin. You are at war within yourself having become both perpetrator and victim, by introjecting the original judges in your life (authorities in your childhood).

• Self-forgiveness again requires a mature soul with a wide, open heart of love willing to revisit the original fear, pain and shame that was created in the young child-soul part of yourself through judgment by others. When your arms reach out in embrace of that wounded younger part of your own soul, you are indeed the mother reconciling with the child instead of chastising the child. (Create an image of the Madonna and child that shows this relationship – or find one that is a constant reminder to you of the work required here.) This work requires a certain maturing of the soul – a part that can witness suffering, be present to suffering, hold the suffering in a calm, non-anxious, loving way.  There must be the sense of two – just sinking into the suffering with no witness present is self-pity and re-traumatization, not compassion.

• Once the feelings and needs are acknowledged, accepted and loved by you, the acting out behaviors will naturally stop. You do not have to castigate yourself for defending against the pain in whatever way you have been doing and denying the suffering soul. (sin and separation). The defenses served a purpose of protection until you were mature enough to relate to yourself in a loving and accepting way.

• When you reconnect, in love, with the suffering you experienced as a child and defended against until now in behaviors that are no longer needed, you have reconciled with yourself and there is nothing but insight, love, and so forgiveness. The pattern of unaware need and pain leading to behaviors that are destructive, is broken. Guilt and shame are replaced by acceptance and love and without guilt and shame there is no reason for the pattern of behavior to be repeated ever again. Change happens with the expansion in awareness.

• With this kind of deep understanding of yourself you will easily see how your actions may have harmed and hurt another leading to compassion for them, apology and restitution.

"...if you feel that you have been "unjusted" and are looking for 'justice', you may be looking for the wrong thing. What would happen if you sought love instead? And what would happen if you gave love instead of seeking it? This might require a bit of forgiveness. Yet if you start with yourself, if you begin by forgiving yourself for all the things you may have done that were not okay with another, you will find it much easier to forgive another for what was done that is not okay with you."
                                                                                                                                                              

   ~Neale Donald Walsch

Exercise 

Recently when I was at the ancient temple of Delphi, this little boy was chastised by his parents for being mean to his younger sister. He was filled with shame and guilt and started picking flowers to give to his sister as an act of contrition and apology. Then his father came over to him and I captured this tender moment. I do not understand Greek and do not know what he said, but his body language said a great deal. Create the imaginary dialogue of the forgiving father to his little boy – who is just a symbol of his own inner little boy. Use the steps above to create the dialogue.

“Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.” 
~ Stephen Richards, Forgiveness and Love Conquers All: Healing the Emotional Self

"Know all and you will pardon all."                                                                             

~Thomas a Kempis

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is NOT:

Being a passive recipient of abuse or disrespect

Excusing either myself or another for any act of abuse directed towards self or other

Tolerating injustice and wrong doing

Ignoring abuse and pretending nothing is happening

Being “generous” - this is superior and condescending

A feeling of being better than or rising above another

Stuffing feelings of anger and resentment

Forgiveness IS:

Learning to see the worth in self and other despite wrong doing

Setting limits with and protecting self and other from wrong doing

A process of healing and detachment which takes time, attention and effort

A process that is primarily for me - that it benefits the other is secondary

An active process of confronting and healing, which takes time, attention, and effort

A state of freedom, peace, wisdom and compassion for self and other.

A state is which I am no longer blaming myself or the other - which does not mean a lack of accountability

Fully realizing that wrong action comes from a lack of awareness, not from intrinsic “badness.”

Learning to see the worth in self and other despite wrong doing

The Christ tells us to forgive “70 x 70” (infinitely) because ultimately forgiveness is about finding freedom from our attachment to fear, anger, and shame.

Forgiveness means working through of inner needs and emotions that have led to destructive ways of acting. It is an instruction to heal ourselves from the effects of what we or others have done to us in our lives.

The Sacraments

Reconciliation or Penance

"Know all and you will pardon all."  ~Thomas a Kempis

The church very much represents unaware ego consciousness. This means that it is the moral watchdog of the culture that keeps everyone externally focused on what the culture demands in terms of “good behavior.” If you deviate from the expectations of the culture you are “sinning” and bad and must go to confession and tell some patriarch how bad you are and be punished so that you do not transgress again and are reconciled to the group norms. This is guilt inducing and shaming and does little except frighten people into short term compliance, instead of bringing healing and awareness.

We have already established, that “sin” is not necessarily disobeying the law of the land, it is separation, in ego defense, from your own soul. Reconciliation therefore means the recognition in awareness of this split into a false duality, and the deep inner loving desire to heal the split, reconcile with the part of you that has been lost to you, and integrate all the dualities in which you have lived. It is 100 degrees the opposite of what the church teaches. It is about the inner relationship, not the outer relationships. When we are living in loving relationship and reconciliation with ourselves, then all that we do and say and are in the outer world, will be loving and reconciling too. So against whom have we “sinned?”  Our own wounded soul. To whom should we apologize? Our own abandoned child. To whom do we make amends by changing out behavior? Our own soul, by living in loving relationship with ourselves. When we can let go of our prideful egoic defenses with recognition of how our own choices are now hurting us by keeping us split from ourselves, we will humble ourselves to ourselves on bended knee and pray for strength and courage to live in love and harmony with our own beautiful soul. Our penance will be the daily practice of becoming aware, listening and changing. Now you will live in Truth, even if you are punished by the culture. You will live in Love, even if it is not “good” behavior in terms of the culture. You will face death rather than compromise the inner loving relationship of truth you have with yourself.

            Having a trusted person to “confess” can be invaluable if they model the above principles of forgiveness. If they judge you, punish you , advise you or try to control you, you are not in the company of the Grace-filled Mother you need.

"Self-forgiveness is a profound act of self-love and self-compassion that lightens our burden of guilt, calms our feelings of self-rejection, and ends our need for self-destructive behavior. It also frees our heart from self-inflicted pain and suffering." 

                                    ~Marion Moss Hubbard

THE  SIN  OF  PRIDE

What is sin?

Sin is those attitudes and behaviors that separate us from God’s love - the essence of our own true nature.  When we do not act out of love for ourselves, others and God, in harmony and in accordance with the will of God/Love/Truth, then we feel shame and remove ourselves from God’s presence and so, are alienated from our own true nature.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the moment at which we are able to confess that our intent and behavior were not in accordance with the intent of God and Self and know that we are still loved and accepted by ourselves and God. At this point we once more feel in harmony with God and Self. If, on the other hand, we refuse to confess our mistakes, or continue to believe God’s love for us is conditional on us never making mistakes or doing wrong, then we do not heal from our shame and continue to remove ourselves from the presence of God. This is a refusal to recognize our own true nature or God’s true nature.  Forgiveness is accepting God’s grace. (divine, unconditional love).   It is acknowledging our own guilt and healing from our own guilt which is only possible if we accept God’s unconditional love for us and learn to love ourselves unconditionally.

Forgiveness also includes healing from the intents and actions of others which have created harm, damage, pain and suffering in our lives.  It is something we do for ourselves.  It is about our own healing and growth.  As we heal from the wounds that have been inflicted on us we are free again to love the other person. This may be a long process. It does not mean excusing the behavior that caused the harm. The other person benefits from our healing because we no longer seek revenge on that person - only justice for their behavior.  We are mandated to forgive which means we are mandated to heal and grow past our own suffering.  Forgiveness is for us.

What is pride?

Pride is the mortal sin of defending ourselves against our own shame and sense of worthlessness by denying that we have done anything wrong or behaved in a way that was not in keeping with the intent of God.  Instead of feeling appropriate guilt for wrong behavior we feel overwhelming SHAME and believe the lie that who we are is BAD. We do not see that we are good and loving and that out of unawareness or ignorance, we make mistakes.  Since we see ourselves as bad and evil, we believe that all that emanates from us must also be bad.  Every wrong-doing or criticism becomes proof of our badness. The shame of this false belief is so great that in defense we pretend that we are perfect.  We say, “there is nothing wrong with me,” and “I did nothing wrong.”  It is a deathlike feeling to admit sin when we believe it to mean we are evil because it is antithetical to who we really are.  The defense of a false, perfect persona can become so great that it can take over the personality. Then all that others see is grandiosity, arrogance and a false kind of self-confidence and charm. Even the person themself becomes fooled. When we do this, we have adopted a stance of self-righteousness and hypocrisy that sets us apart from knowing God’s unconditional love and acceptance of us.  If we cannot acknowledge a mistake before others and God, how can we ever hear that we are loved and loving despite our sins?  Pride is the one sin that we choose that sets us apart from God and the possibility of forgiveness, healing and grace.  It is the one sin that angered the Christ. All that is acknowledged in the knowledge that I am loved and lovable is forgiven.  It is what is not acknowledged that cannot be forgiven - not because God withholds it, but because we refuse it. We are the ones that choose to damn ourselves to the hell of living in shame and defense. Jesus was righteously angry because it meant that the pharisees in the church put themselves beyond the possibility of hearing God’s infinite love for them.  They believed themselves ministers of God but were further from God than the imperfect sinners in the streets.

In what ways are we ordinary sinners loved by God and in what ways are we self-righteous pharisees parading as holy persons removed from God?                                                        

WHAT  TO  DO  IF  YOU  WRONG  SOMEONE – INCLUDING YOURSELF 

Instead of expecting this process from others, make it your daily practice with yourself and others.

The purpose of the process of apologizing is twofold. Firstly, it greatly facilitates the healing of the victim to be able to speak about what happened and not keep secrets. Secondly, it offers the perpetrator the opportunity to start healing from guilt and shame. That which is acknowledged can be forgiven. If no crime was committed, then there is nothing to forgive. True forgiveness may or may not come from the victim (they may choose to never heal from the wounds inflicted), but the process allows for the perpetrator to start forgiving him or herself.

1.  Adopt an attitude of caring for self and other.  Seek to connect not control.

2.  Listen to the other person’s grievances without interrupting.  Put your own

     agenda to one side and empathize with the wronged person’s feelings and unmet needs.

3.  Fully own and acknowledge the wrong or wrongs.  Be specific using “I” statements.

“I have used the following analogy to try to explain the need for a perpetrator to confess. Imagine you are sitting in a dank, stuffy and dark room. This is because the curtains are drawn and the windows have been shut. Outside the light is shining and a fresh breeze is blowing. If you want the light to stream into that room and the fresh air to flow in, you will have to open the window and draw the curtains apart; then the light which has always been available will come in and air will enter the room to freshen it up. So, it is with forgiveness. The victim may be ready to forgive and make the gift of her forgiveness available, but it is up to the wrongdoer to appropriate the gift - to open the window and draw the curtains aside. He does this by acknowledging the wrong he has done, so letting the light and fresh air of forgiveness enter his being.”                                    

~Desmond Tutu

4.  Indicate a full understanding of the effects - emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological    intellectual, sexual, relational, communal - of the wrong on the other person, other people     peripherally involved, the relationship, and yourself.  Use “I” statements.

“True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the pain, the degradation, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking, but in the end, it is worthwhile, because in the end there will be real healing from having dealt with the real situation.”            

 ~Desmond Tutu                                                       

5.  Apologize sincerely with no denial, buts, excuses, rationalizations, minimizations, justifications.  Use only “I” statements.

“It is perhaps the most difficult thing in the world - in almost every language the most difficult words are “I am sorry.” Thus, it is not at all surprising that those accused of horrendous deeds, and the communities they come from, for whom they believed they were committing these atrocities, almost always try to find ways out of even admitting that they were capable of such deeds.”                      ~Desmond Tutu

6.   Make amends:  - pay restitution

                                -  correct what can be corrected

                                -  list steps that you will take to change and ensure that  there

                                   is no repetition of the offense.

Read Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s book, No Future without Forgiveness.