December 2019 - Compassion Group Notes

The Christmas Tree

The Christ-mass tree is a wonderful meditation. Consider how we have taken a beautiful living thing out of nature, cut it off at the roots and then decorated it with all the gaudy bits of materialism and capitalism that the production of “made in China” baubles represents.  Consider all the misery of family conflict that has ensued as fantasies of light and beauty are replaced by grumpy, obligation and tradition. Or in a vain attempt to avoid the inevitable fight about getting the darn thing up you go to Walmart and support the exploitation of the planet and the workers too.  

This is all fine – now consider yourself as the tree. Everything that is created externally is already an internal dynamic. How have you cut yourself off from your source, tamed yourself into a civilized and socially accepted creature of conformity, and then decorated yourself to look pretty and light?

 The Christ-mass is recognizing the Christ within, symbolically taking in the bread of compassion and wine of wisdom and living into this reality firmly rooted in matter and fed by the light of the Mystery that informs every son and daughter of God, from an eternal light within.  Perhaps if we lived this Truth, we would be filled with love and every Christmas, find a beautiful living tree and decorate it with food and sustenance for living creatures in nature.

Staying in the Present Moment as Defense

“Don't look for peace. Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender” 
                                      ~Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

The recognition that you are the present loving state of peace and non resistance, to all that is not loving and at peace within you, IS the Present Moment, the enlightened moment.  BOTH are true. Being the Loving presence to the non-loving part of ourselves, brings the loving state to the unloved state. And in what does that result?  You must be the Light of the Star, the singing of the angels, the wise men, the Christ to the dark, instinctual, and smelly parts of your lives – you must be present to it all.

 “If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”                                                                                                                                        ~Stephen Colbert

 And, the important part of what Colbert is saying is that our inner soul is the poor and needy, abandoned and rejected part of ourselves, and our ego just does not want to be bothered with it. It is this ambivalence that we must admit to, and this separation from SELF that we must confess, and this one that is knocking on the door of our conscience, that requires us to open the door and welcome in. As long as we fail ourselves, we will fail every abandoned child in the world.

 How is this child you? How are the armed border patrols you too?

 Every spiritual practice can be used as defense and “staying in the present moment,” is no exception. Anything that forces, controls and demands us to change our thoughts, repress our emotions, stifle our voice and needs, is not loving, is not the presence of love to our struggles. I hear people describing themselves to stay in the present moment, ”where there is nothing wrong,” as a chastisement to themselves that the past is still coloring the present with fear and shame, and then trying to force themselves to not think about the past. This is missing the mark altogether. It is helpful in processing pain, to remind oneself that this is memory, to make it a little more tolerable, but it in no way means not being present to the current condition within.  Christmas is a time of inner misery and memory for most people. Can you be lovingly present to the misery, the memory, the loneliness, the disconnection, the surface bullshit…..?

 Being in the present moment is the end result of long, hard practice of going back into the memory states of the past, reworking the traumas and events of our lives and seeing how we project past fears into the future. Staying in the present moment in the beginning, is just having the humility to stand witness to the kaleidoscope of hateful and demeaning thoughts that are thrown on the screen of our consciousness from the many sources of judgement in our past, and in our own imaginings. It is to witness without comment, only with curiosity – like a child that wonders why and how this came to be.

Being in the present moment is the demand to be lovingly present to the good, bad and ugly 

within and without, not escaping to some fantasy realm of escape. It is the recognition of this capacity for presence to whatever arises inside or out, without judgment and full participation in Love, that is what defines “Living in the Present Moment.”  May you be a loving presence to yourself in the New Year.

 Using Tragedy as Defense

Recently on “Survivor” one of the participants blatantly and honestly declared that he would tell the sad story of his sister’s death to other participants, to win sympathy, and so be able to manipulate them to his own ends, (in this case a million dollars),  and use them to meet his own needs. This is disgusting and repulsive. To use suffering to evoke sympathy, attention and glory, is the worst kind of parasitic behavior. 

 And we do it with our own suffering inner child. Recently we had the experience at Aslan of a presenter using the trauma of her own life to meet the ego needs for power, glory and the limelight, to boost herself into feeling effective, elevated and wise, as cover to terrorized, hurt and destroyed. I hear military families at this time of the year using the sacrifice of their own children to exploit others and get what they want – it is everywhere and once you see it, you cannot unsee it. Ask yourself, “how do I use tragedy for my own gain?” 

 We all do it to one degree or another. Recognize within yourself how you have used the exploitation of human suffering to get ego wants  - to be special, to get special treatment, to be let off the hook, to be seen in a certain light, etc, - met, and so completely missing the needs of the soul for connection, compassion and insight.

More Defenses

 Defense is anything that covers, hides, tries to get rid of feelings of shame and fear.

Consider how you have used :

 ·      apologies as defense, instead of it being a genuine heart opening of compassion for the other

 ·      explaining your side as right, to make the other wrong – switching the power dynamic

 ·      taking back something you said to keep the peace

·      backtracking from a stance you have taken and agreeing to be the “wrong one.”

 . asked the other, “what is going on with you?” “Are you okay?”

 ·      “I have to prove myself, to be accepted”

·      self doubt and vacillating back and forth, trying to gather more data before choosing

 ·      not expressing anger by saying you are “bored, or tired”

Seeing all this, noticing these ways of defending, is not to judge it, but to see it. Seeing is the only agenda. Of course, once you have seen your motives, you can connect to them with compassion and this then will take care of the need that lead to the defense in the first place. Once we are aware and then judge, instead of loving, we are literally betraying ourselves and our suffering as children. This is to damn yourself to hell. The only one who matters in judgement of yourself, is YOU.

 The Power of Language

We are all The Word, made flesh. In other words, we are all incarnations of God. We are a Blueprint from the mind of God, involved in form.  

 In our consciousness resides EVERYTHING. However, SOMETHING is only brought from consciousness into awareness when what is implicit within is made explicit in form. Hence language is our greatest means of creating. We create with every word we utter. When we give voice to the implicit feeling states then we make those feelings explicit and firmly real. In this way you bring yourself to full awareness of what was only implicit. How many of you have had the experience of only actually knowing something once you have said it?  I know it is a universal experience.  One way to not actualize your life, is to withdraw, give up on speaking, not talk about your feelings or needs, never share anything vulnerable or intimate. And we have all been frightened into not giving voice to our inner experience. The value of the groups, is that your implicit suffering is made explicit through sharing in a safe place. Once it is named, it can be seen and loved. Before that it just remains DUMB suffering, well defended against by silence. Speaking breaks down defense systems.

 Notice your inner resistance (defense), against bringing up things in group.  Feel the underlying fear. Know that it is memory that is creating a huge ambivalence about breaking the rules of silence and exposing fear and shame, behaviors of which you are not proud, decisions you have made that have been destructive you your life, and start taking some small risks and see if you do actually die, or if you can meet your feelings with loving acceptance.  Can you trust yourself, or are you still externalizing your demand for trust on to others?

 More Family Rules as Defense

 Making some implicit family rules explicit means to see them and then learn a new code of ethics for communal living.  

 How many of you implicitly got the messages:

“I have to deal with it myself.”

“I may not/should not ask for time or help.”

It’s too hard for me, I am someone who cannot do anything right.”

“It’s too much for me.”

“I should just give up.”

“I am wrong, and others are right.”

“Others have power if I ask to have my needs met”

“feel sorry for the one being abusive – either mom or dad – the other parent teaches us to think, for example, “Poor Daddy,” or “You have a good daddy, he doesn’t drink or womanize. In other words excuse poor behavior with pity and excuses, rationalizing and minimizing.

“you should ‘rise above it’”

“you should not spend money on yourself”

“you should feel guilty if you do have money”

“you should pay your own way always”

“feelings mean everything is falling apart”

 Start a journal entry of the implicit rules by which your family operated and let’s see if we can change the operating system this year.

 Flip Flopping

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet..” ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

 When we are still stuck in duality, we will flip flop in decision making, because at some level we know that if we keep quiet, it is passivity out of fear, and if we speak up it will be anger and blame, aggression and hate, even if we say it perfectly, in a good assertive and “right” way. Either way we are completely double bound. We cannot make a decision because our hearts have not awakened, and we do not even know what the loving thing is to do. We “spin,” horizontally in a never ending lose/lose cycle of indecision, being either victim or perpetrator in life.  The only way to stop the spinning is to move to the still, silent center of our being and find that truth and love reside there hiding under layers of spinning and flip-flopping in the dualities of the world.  

 Think of some decision you have struggled to make.  The question is often, is it a ‘good’ choice?  

How long did it take you to make a decision, before you were able to take the risk – even if the choice was a seemingly “wrong” one – it still got you out of the hell you were in. The quality that is strengthened is courage. This condition of no choice, is perfectly described by Dante

 “And I — my head oppressed by horror — said:
"Master, what is it that I hear? Who are
those people so defeated by their pain?"
      And he to me: "This miserable way
is taken by the sorry souls of those
who lived without disgrace and without praise.
      They now commingle with the coward angels,
the company of those who were not rebels
nor faithful to their God, but stood apart.
      The heavens, that their beauty not be lessened,
have cast them out, nor will deep Hell receive them —
even the wicked cannot glory in them.” ― Dante Alighieri, Inferno

 It cannot be, if it does not come from the heart of truth, or the truth of the heart.  

The better question is, “Is it a loving choice for all aspects of me?” If it is, then it will be loving for everyone. Only loving can be good. Good is not necessarily loving at all.  If we choose something because “it is not that bad,” then we are saying, there is some good benefit to be derived from the situation.  This does not answer the question about whether it is a loving decision or not.  We only reach a state of consciousness of living in the both/and, instead of either/or, when we have a loving inner connection to ourselves. If all decisions come from this loving, intimate, connected, present inner relationship with ourselves and our God, then we will live a Good life, not just a good life.  And a Good Life, does not mean one in which you necessarily reap endless external benefit. The benefit is intrinsic, in the relationship.  Practice knowing that you are both the teacher and student – and see what quality that inner relationship has. Practice know you are both the Mother and the Child and consider the quality of that inner relationship. Consider you are a sinner and the pure undefiled ONE – and what is your inner relationship one to the other?  Read the beautiful words from the gnostic teachers of Jesus below.

 Try to picture the spin horizonantally and find the sinking to all depths within vertically.  The center of the cross is the place of truth and love.

The Nag Hammadi Library 

The Thunder, Perfect Mind

Translated by George W. MacRae 

I was sent forth from the power, 

and I have come to those who reflect upon me, 

and I have been found among those who seek after me. 

Look upon me, you who reflect upon me, 

and you hearers, hear me. 

You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves. 

And do not banish me from your sight. 

And do not make your voice hate me, nor your hearing. 

Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time. Be on your guard! 

Do not be ignorant of me. 

For I am the first and the last. 

I am the honored one and the scorned one. 

I am the whore and the holy one. 

I am the wife and the virgin. 

I am <the mother> and the daughter. 

I am the members of my mother. 

I am the barren one 

and many are her sons. 

I am she whose wedding is great, 

and I have not taken a husband. 

I am the midwife and she who does not bear. 

I am the solace of my labor pains. 

I am the bride and the bridegroom, 

and it is my husband who begot me. 

I am the mother of my father 

and the sister of my husband 

and he is my offspring. 

I am the slave of him who prepared me. 

I am the ruler of my offspring. 

But he is the one who begot me before the time on a birthday. 

And he is my offspring in (due) time, 

and my power is from him. 

I am the staff of his power in his youth, 

and he is the rod of my old age. 

And whatever he wills happens to me. 

I am the silence that is incomprehensible 

and the idea whose remembrance is frequent. 

I am the voice whose sound is manifold 

and the word whose appearance is multiple. 

I am the utterance of my name. 

Why, you who hate me, do you love me, 

and hate those who love me? 

You who deny me, confess me, 

and you who confess me, deny me. 

You who tell the truth about me, lie about me, 

and you who have lied about me, tell the truth about me. 

You who know me, be ignorant of me, 

and those who have not known me, let them know me. 

For I am knowledge and ignorance. 

I am shame and boldness. 

I am shameless; I am ashamed. 

I am strength and I am fear. 

I am war and peace. 

Give heed to me. 

I am the one who is disgraced and the great one. 

Give heed to my poverty and my wealth. 

Do not be arrogant to me when I am cast out upon the earth, 

and you will find me in those that are to come. 

And do not look upon me on the dung-heap 

nor go and leave me cast out, 

and you will find me in the kingdoms. 

And do not look upon me when I am cast out among those who 

are disgraced and in the least places, 

nor laugh at me. 

And do not cast me out among those who are slain in violence. 

But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel. 

Be on your guard! 

Do not hate my obedience 

and do not love my self-control. 

In my weakness, do not forsake me, 

and do not be afraid of my power. 

For why do you despise my fear 

and curse my pride? 

But I am she who exists in all fears 

and strength in trembling. 

I am she who is weak, 

and I am well in a pleasant place. 

I am senseless and I am wise. 

Why have you hated me in your counsels? 

For I shall be silent among those who are silent, 

and I shall appear and speak, 

Why then have you hated me, you Greeks? 

Because I am a barbarian among the barbarians? 

For I am the wisdom of the Greeks 

and the knowledge of the barbarians. 

I am the judgement of the Greeks and of the barbarians. 

I am the one whose image is great in Egypt 

and the one who has no image among the barbarians. 

I am the one who has been hated everywhere 

and who has been loved everywhere. 

I am the one whom they call Life, 

and you have called Death. 

I am the one whom they call Law, 

and you have called Lawlessness. 

I am the one whom you have pursued, 

and I am the one whom you have seized. 

I am the one whom you have scattered, 

and you have gathered me together. 

I am the one before whom you have been ashamed, 

and you have been shameless to me. 

I am she who does not keep festival, 

and I am she whose festivals are many. 

I, I am godless, 

and I am the one whose God is great. 

I am the one whom you have reflected upon, 

and you have scorned me. 

I am unlearned, 

and they learn from me. 

I am the one that you have despised, 

and you reflect upon me. 

I am the one whom you have hidden from, 

and you appear to me. 

But whenever you hide yourselves, 

I myself will appear. 

For whenever you appear, 

I myself will hide from you. 

Those who have [...] to it [...] senselessly [...]. 

Take me [... understanding] from grief. 

and take me to yourselves from understanding and grief. 

And take me to yourselves from places that are ugly and in ruin, 

and rob from those which are good even though in ugliness. 

Out of shame, take me to yourselves shamelessly; 

and out of shamelessness and shame, 

upbraid my members in yourselves. 

And come forward to me, you who know me 

and you who know my members, 

and establish the great ones among the small first creatures. 

Come forward to childhood, 

and do not despise it because it is small and it is little. 

And do not turn away greatnesses in some parts from the smallnesses, 

for the smallnesses are known from the greatnesses. 

Why do you curse me and honor me? 

You have wounded and you have had mercy. 

Do not separate me from the first ones whom you have known. 

And do not cast anyone out nor turn anyone away 

[...] turn you away and [... know] him not. 

[...]. 

What is mine [...]. 

I know the first ones and those after them know me. 

But I am the mind of [...] and the rest of [...]. 

I am the knowledge of my inquiry, 

and the finding of those who seek after me, 

and the command of those who ask of me, 

and the power of the powers in my knowledge 

of the angels, who have been sent at my word, 

and of gods in their seasons by my counsel, 

and of spirits of every man who exists with me, 

and of women who dwell within me. 

I am the one who is honored, and who is praised, 

and who is despised scornfully. 

I am peace, 

and war has come because of me. 

And I am an alien and a citizen. 

I am the substance and the one who has no substance. 

Those who are without association with me are ignorant of me, 

and those who are in my substance are the ones who know me. 

Those who are close to me have been ignorant of me, 

and those who are far away from me are the ones who have known me. 

On the day when I am close to you, you are far away from me, 

and on the day when I am far away from you, I am close to you. 

[I am ...] within. 

[I am ...] of the natures. 

I am [...] of the creation of the spirits. 

[...] request of the souls. 

I am control and the uncontrollable. 

I am the union and the dissolution. 

I am the abiding and I am the dissolution. 

I am the one below, 

and they come up to me. 

I am the judgment and the acquittal. 

I, I am sinless, 

and the root of sin derives from me. 

I am lust in (outward) appearance, 

and interior self-control exists within me. 

I am the hearing which is attainable to everyone 

and the speech which cannot be grasped. 

I am a mute who does not speak, 

and great is my multitude of words. 

Hear me in gentleness, and learn of me in roughness. 

I am she who cries out, 

and I am cast forth upon the face of the earth. 

I prepare the bread and my mind within. 

I am the knowledge of my name. 

I am the one who cries out, 

and I listen. 

I appear and [...] walk in [...] seal of my [...]. 

I am [...] the defense [...]. 

I am the one who is called Truth 

and iniquity [...]. 

You honor me [...] and you whisper against me. 

You who are vanquished, judge them (who vanquish you) 

before they give judgment against you, 

because the judge and partiality exist in you. 

If you are condemned by this one, who will acquit you? 

Or, if you are acquitted by him, who will be able to detain you? 

For what is inside of you is what is outside of you, 

and the one who fashions you on the outside 

is the one who shaped the inside of you. 

And what you see outside of you, you see inside of you; 

it is visible and it is your garment. 

Hear me, you hearers 

and learn of my words, you who know me. 

I am the hearing that is attainable to everything; 

I am the speech that cannot be grasped. 

I am the name of the sound 

and the sound of the name. 

I am the sign of the letter 

and the designation of the division. 

And I [...]. 

(3 lines missing) 

[...] light [...]. 

[...] hearers [...] to you 

[...] the great power. 

And [...] will not move the name. 

[...] to the one who created me. 

And I will speak his name. 

Look then at his words 

and all the writings which have been completed. 

Give heed then, you hearers 

and you also, the angels and those who have been sent, 

and you spirits who have arisen from the dead. 

For I am the one who alone exists, 

and I have no one who will judge me. 

For many are the pleasant forms which exist in numerous sins, 

and incontinencies, 

and disgraceful passions, 

and fleeting pleasures, 

which (men) embrace until they become sober 

and go up to their resting place. 

And they will find me there, 

and they will live, 

and they will not die again. 

Original translation of this text was prepared by members of the Coptic Gnostic Library Project of the Institute for Antiquity and Christianity, Claremont Graduate School.The Coptic Gnostic Library Project was funded by UNESCO, the National Endowment for the Humanities, and other Institutions.E. J. Brill has asserted copyright on texts published by the Coptic Gnostic Library Project. The translation presented here has been edited, modified and formatted for use in the Gnostic Society Library.For academic citation, please refer to published editions of this text.