Compassion Group Notes

"If you are 'right' without a loving heart and loving motive, you are wrong."

~ Lyndall Johnson

The focus of our groups this month has been on the capacity to hold both/and in consciousness — both an awareness of our awareness and an awareness of our awareness holding and embracing our human experience at the same time. It is never an either/or, and yet the capacity to open and expand our awareness of both our infinite state of being and our current time-bound experience is a giant quantum leap in our own evolution.

As we have said so many times before: our own personal evolution is our contribution to the evolution of the human race. Without expansion, we will constantly flip-flop between being high-minded and spiritual while denying our suffering, or collapse into our suffering and forget who we truly, eternally are. In either case, this condition leads us to act in ways that cause even greater harm and suffering to ourselves and others.

In Christian language, attaining this state of consciousness is the recognition of ourselves as fully human and fully divine — or divinity incarnated into the duality of creation. This would represent a state of consciousness known in Christianity as salvation and in the Eastern traditions as enlightenment. We are no longer determined by the external and transient experiences of life.

We talked about the numerous experiences of suffering and hurt, pain and shame, fear and anxiety that our Malawian Gardener, Isaace, has experienced in the short time we have been here, and how he told us through his tears that his heart is still full. I am sure he has no awareness of his state of consciousness when he said that, but it was descriptive of what we are all wishing to attain — the capacity to hold our experiences and emotions with a full heart of love, strength, courage, and tenderness, instead of reacting with defenses of resistance against the full human experience of our feelings. A full heart would also set firm limits on beliefs and behaviours we have learned as a result of the feelings we tried to defend against when we were younger and less aware.

Contemplate this beautiful photo submitted by Lorena, of both life and death, dying and creating. Journal about what this evokes in you.

What feelings, thoughts, insights arise as you really see into this picture? Write a poem or a haiku. Share with one another in your group.

In light of the events happening in Minnesota, where most of you live, we focused this week on the impact of the Ice Invasion and the horrible murders that have happened, the atrocities against humanity as a whole, and the response of non-violent protest and what that means and looks like. To this end, Charisse and I are offering a 6-week course on Rage and the Politics of Power starting February 28th. We strongly encourage everyone to attend and explore the issue of evil being perpetrated, why it happens, and what we can contribute to peace-making in the world.

The effects of trauma on so many thousands of people across our country will not be undone for many generations. Our work is to heal ourselves so that we can be true healers and peace bringers to the world. A deep examination of how we show up as victims, or as perpetrators — in either case as disempowered and unaware people — is our responsibility. Only with awareness can we live from inner Truth and Love, in alignment with the universal laws of Love. We all have to examine how the past informs our present capacity, resources, and responses if we want to be part of a resistance movement that says "NO" to all that is not loving and moral in the world today.

A well-known experiment involved raising rats in cages that regularly delivered electric shocks from birth. It sounds horrible, but for the rats, it was just their home. It's similar to how many people grow up in environments of trauma. The rats grew up with the shocks, and once they reached adulthood, they were allowed to leave their cages and move to other cages where they would not be shocked. Yet they all chose to return to their original cages, and to the memory of life amid electric shocks.

The rats preferred reliving their familiar distress over facing an unknown future. They had learned that helplessness was the only way to survive. It became their song, their rhythm. In their cages with shocks, they felt in control. Similarly, many of us spend our lives feeling overwhelmed at work or unhappy in unfulfilling relationships. We can manage that because it's familiar. However, the idea of changing jobs or striking out on our own, leaving comfort zones and possibly being alone, is truly frightening. Staying where we are feels easier.

Unfortunately for the rats, their sense of helplessness eventually affected their immune systems. They got used to the idea that the world wasn't safe and that they would continually be shocked. Even though they learned to emotionally tolerate this, their bodies couldn't handle it physically. Body instincts and memories always win. Eventually, our minds forget how many shocks we've endured, but the body remembers. With each shock, our white blood cells and immunity continue to decline. Over time, the rats' immune systems collapsed, allowing various diseases to take hold.

Like rats, most of us tend to relive past trauma over and over. We fall into a cycle of trauma. Past memories increase physiological arousal — they prepare us physically and emotionally for more shocks. During past trauma, we secrete stress hormones cortisol and norepinephrine. These hormones energize us for the next attack. As a result, we become more receptive and prepared for another assault. When we recall a traumatic memory, the brain and body repeatedly release these hormones. Our bodies react as if a true trauma is happening, even though it's only a memory. As a result, we tend to recreate traumas in the present and future.

— Awakening Intuition, Mona Lisa Schulz

"If you want to be a slave in life, then continue going around asking others to do for you. They will oblige, but you will find the price is your choices, your freedom, your life itself. They will do for you, and as a result, you will be in bondage to them forever, having given your identity away for a paltry price. Then, and only then, you will be a nobody, a slave, because you yourself and nobody else made it so."

~ Terry Goodkind, The Pillars of Creation

Once upon a time, there was a little baboon called Mfene. He lived with a large troop of baboons high up in the Knysna forests, near a beautiful place called Jubilee Creek, named long ago after Queen Victoria's jubilee as queen of England for 50 years. A jubilee is a great big party to celebrate the queen being a queen for a very long time.

One Sunday morning, the baboons visited the gurgling creek with little waterfalls to look for insects and fruits for breakfast, where they made a surprising discovery. They found candy bars hidden in all the bushes. They didn't know what candy bars were, but they tore the paper off and took bites. Little Mfene was in heaven! He had never tasted anything as tasty as that chocolate bar.

For more — Read here →

"Indulged habits of dependence create habits of indolence, and indolence opens the portal to petty errors, to many degrading habits, and to vice and crime with their attendant train of miseries."

~ Unknown

A young male vervet monkey is marauding the neighborhood. Young males leave their natal troop at puberty, around age 4 or 5. This is a dangerous transition to adulthood for all primates! This young fellow is alone, searching for a new troop where he will find his place by asserting his dominance and breeding status. He must find his own food and learn to be aggressive to survive. Unbeknownst to us, he watches all the houses for an open door or window so that he can steal food. He snuck in through our patio door, jumped right onto the dining table, and helped himself to some fruit. When I asked him to leave, he grabbed a banana, watching me the whole time, and ate it defiantly before taking off.

For more — Read here →

Read the full Out of Africa piece here →

Our theme for this month has been discerning the split we all have between when we are functioning from our True Self or Soul (the Sacred Ibis), and when we are collapsed into our ego functioning without awareness (Rubbish Bin Chicken).

The trick is not to denigrate and try to get rid of the Rubbish Bin Chicken part of ourselves, but to be aware of it so that we do not succumb to the temptation to collapse to that level. We need to be empowered, through awareness, not to disrespect ourselves by succumbing to this level of functioning, which means awareness with understanding, empathy, acceptance, and humor, rather than judgment, rejection, and disgust. This is no small task, one that requires constant vigilance, grace, and humility for the times when we find ourselves just beginners, all over again.

"What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude."

~ Brené Brown

If you are alive, you have privilege — the immense privilege of life.

Some might bristle at this statement if they have experienced harsh conditions of abuse, violence, war, genocide, rape, incest, hunger and starvation, deprivation of any kind, and all the other challenges life offers. This is not a statement to say to someone who is still unaware and suffering the effects of their childhood traumas, whatever they might be.

However, this group of students has done significant work on understanding the effects of dysfunction in their families of origin and processing through the unaware suffering of their lives, correcting the distorted and primitive thought forms in which they have been stuck, and taking responsibility for their own lives by learning to meet their own needs, no matter what their early socialization was. And so now it is time to recognize the privilege of your lives, not with guilt and shame, but with genuine recognition that leads only to a heart of gratitude.

If you feel guilt and shame for not feeling gratitude, it is because you still take pride (defense against shame) in being victims, wearing it as a badge of honor, and are attached to the victim mentality of childhood. This is all in unawareness, and so the practice is to notice this proclivity, bring it into awareness, and learn to relate to it with understanding and empathy.

So, how do we define privilege? Privilege is the extent to which any of your childhood needs were adequately met by your primary caretakers. In the ways that you were not indulged, neglected, or received inconsistent care for your needs, you have privilege. Needless to say, everyone was underprivileged, over-privileged, inconsistently privileged, or truly privileged in some way, whether emotionally, intellectually, physically, socially, spiritually, and sexually. Think of it as on a continuum.

Examine this list of needs. Can you become aware of the ways you want others to meet your inner needs, even though you are now grown up and can do so yourself? Are you aware and willing to be internally relational with your human self? This does not exempt others from being loving and respectful, but it just means that if they are not, you do not collapse into the need in a helpless and shame-based way.

There is the issue of childhood needs not being met and the ensuing suffering of false belief and shame as our internal experience. In America, it has been recognized that the basic needs of humanity are a fundamental "right" for all people. We are used to believing we have a right to liberty, equality, freedom of speech, healthcare, and so on — and so now, as adults, what we believe are our rights in having needs met, are being stripped away rapidly. If these needs were not met in childhood, and now we are not going to have those needs met again by the authoritarian decisions of government, consider how much will be activated and how much childhood trauma will be played out in your life and the lives of others.

In the example used, it would be normal and correct for a child to feel hurt, shamed, and angry when their need to be heard is not met. In unawareness, all this hurt, shame, and anger will be acted out by an adult, further inflaming the decision to strip away the right to the need to be heard and to be met. A vicious and violent cycle would ensue. With awareness comes the creativity of an open mind to find social solutions in a non-violent and effective way. With inner awareness, we would not be silenced but would find very effective ways to be heard — like Jimmy Kimmel and Steven Colbert have modeled and demonstrated for us all.

"Privilege is not in and of itself bad; what matters is what we do with privilege. I want to live in a world where all women have access to education, and all women can earn PhD's, if they so desire. Privilege does not have to be negative, but we have to share our resources and take direction about how to use our privilege in ways that empower those who lack it."

~ bell hooks, Homegrown: Engaged Cultural Criticism

Needs are a universal human experience, and to the extent that our needs are not met is the extent to which we feel fear and pain. We make meaning out of this, which is uniquely an evolutionary human capacity, that leads to the suffering of shame. Shame is the false understanding that it is our own fault that our needs were not met, because we think we are bad, inadequate, worthless, and unlovable. When we are unaware of this dynamic within, we will find ten thousand ways to get others to meet our needs. The extent to which your needs were adequately met in the list below is your privilege. Consider these needs not only personally but also universally. Every life is a complex mix of deprivation and privilege.

Finally, to the extent that you recognize your privilege and have learned to relate to yourself in a way internally that meets your own emotional needs, is the extent to which you will gladly and joyfully accept your responsibility towards your fellow humans who by circumstance beyond their control have not learned to meet their own needs, or because of circumstances beyond their control, like autocratic regimes, cannot meet their own basic needs.

"Responsibility, I believe, accrues through privilege. People like you and me have an unbelievable amount of privilege, and therefore, we have a huge amount of responsibility. We live in free societies where we are not afraid of the police; we have extraordinary wealth by global standards. If you have those things, then you have the kind of responsibility that a person does not have if he or she is slaving seventy hours a week to put food on the table; a responsibility at the very least to inform yourself about power. Beyond that, it is a question of whether you believe in moral certainties or not."

~ Noam Chomsky

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Faith development overlaps with cognitive, emotional, and intellectual intelligence, as well as with stages of development. You were all asked this month to draw and write about the timeline of your own faith development. What are the stories that lead you to the next stage? What were the feelings, needs, disappointments, new beliefs, and shedding of old beliefs as a result of shame, fear, and anger? Write your own spiritual biography and faith crises. How has your image of god changed over time as you learned to be more internally focused instead of externally focused? What is the meaning of your life? Where did you come from, and where do you think you are going? How are you time-bound in your perception? How are you infinite? What does it mean to be a "child of God"?

To assist in your contemplation, use Fowler's stages of faith development and see how it applies to the milestones in your own development.

James Fowler's stages of faith development, outlined in his book "Stages of Faith," describe how individuals' understanding of ultimate meaning and purpose evolves over the course of life. The theory proposes six stages, each characterized by a different way of approaching and understanding faith, with faith defined as a holistic orientation to the universal. These stages are: Primal/Undifferentiated, Intuitive-Projective, Mythic-Literal, Synthetic-Conventional, Individuative-Reflective, Conjunctive, and Universalizing.

1. Primal/Undifferentiated Faith (Infancy – ~2 years): This stage lays the foundation for faith development, characterized by the infant's experience of a safe and secure environment, primarily through interactions with caregivers.
2. Intuitive-Projective Faith (~3–7 years): Children at this stage are influenced by their imaginations, impressions, and interactions with significant adults, forming basic ideas about faith through stories and symbols.
3. Mythic-Literal Faith (School-aged, ~7–12 years): Individuals in this stage begin to understand stories and rules in a more literal way, focusing on reciprocity and justice in their understanding of faith.
4. Synthetic-Conventional Faith (Adolescence): This stage is marked by conformity, where individuals adopt beliefs and values that are largely influenced by their social groups and authority figures.
5. Individuative-Reflective Faith (Young adulthood – ~mid-30s): Individuals take personal responsibility for their beliefs and values, critically examining and reflecting on their faith and identity.
6. Conjunctive Faith (Midlife and beyond): This stage involves recognizing the complexities and paradoxes of life, acknowledging the limitations of their own perspectives, and embracing a broader understanding of faith.
7. Universalizing Faith (Rare, but possible in older adulthood): This is the stage of enlightenment, characterized by a deep sense of compassion, justice, and a commitment to universal love and service.

It's important to note that not everyone progresses to the highest stages; individuals may remain in earlier stages or experience transitions between stages. Fowler's model is not about judging the validity of faith, but rather about understanding the developmental process of how faith evolves throughout life.

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We should like to skip the intermediate stages. We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability — and that it may take a very long time. And so I think it is with you; your ideas mature gradually — let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste. Don't try to force them on, as though you could be today what time (that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will) will make of you tomorrow. Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be. Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete."

~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

"There is almost a sensual longing for communion with others who have a large vision. The immense fulfillment of the friendship between those engaged in furthering the evolution of consciousness has a quality impossible to describe."

~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Watch a short summary of Carol Gilligan's Stages of Moral Development →

This links you to a short summary of Carol Gilligan's Stages of Moral Development. As you listen, assess ways in which you fall into all three categories given different circumstances and situations. Consider the theory in the light of the current political issues.

Consider:

• "If I care about me and not you, then I am stuck in primary narcissistic self interest." — What is the state of consciousness?
• "If I care only about you at the expense of myself, then I am co-dependent to your dependency on me." — What has to be repressed to do this?
• "If I don't care about me or you, then I am on a depressive, nihilistic path." — What causes this?
• "If I can expand my consciousness to care about myself and be in relationship with myself in a loving and authentic way, then I can be in relationship to you and all others in a relationally, loving, non-violent and authentic way." — How can you get here?

Draw a block and divide it into four and create a visual map for yourselves.

This month, we have contemplated living in a time of unprecedented upheaval, where we see stages of development literally at war with one another. It feels, to some, as if the world has gone completely mad as they watch other sections of their country demand a return to authoritarian rule because they feel very threatened by the changes that democracy demands in terms of civil rights for all. To understand what is happening, we must dig deep within ourselves to recognize the developmental stages of moral, emotional, and cognitive development. Unfortunately, development always has a glass ceiling — meaning that the level beneath your stage is invisible, unknown, and unrecognized by people at that level. In other words, if you are at stage 3, stage 2 people cannot understand, know, or recognize what you are talking about or what you mean, and everything you say will be threatening to them.

Take a simple metaphor. When you are in grade 1 you know nothing about calculus. It makes no sense for someone in grade 10 to berate a first grader for not understanding calculus, calling them stupid and any number of other names and putdowns. What would be helpful is to instill a love of learning, encouragement, simple step-by-step teaching, and a vision for what calculus could do for your life. The more you get impatient, throw your hands in the air, and reject 1st graders, the less chance there is for them to ever grow and evolve. Many people have grown up in circumstances that were amoral, abusive, filled with deprivation and hatred — they do not understand any other level of functioning. It is a "dog-eat-dog" world for them — always has been. Their natural inner moral compass was clouded over by age 2, at least. This is the state of America today for many communities.

The same principles hold for all evolution, whether in external learning or inner learning. Learning and evolution only happen in a milieu of self-discipline, love, and acceptance.

Charisse and I hope that the groups have proven themselves over time to be a place for deep self-reflection within a safe milieu of acceptance and love, no matter what you bring to the table. Inner learning and evolution are far harder than just intellectual understanding of how the external world works. This demands inner discipline and constant vigilance of the old patterns of thought and entrenched cultural beliefs you inherited from your socialization.

To this end, we are going to examine some maps of development, particularly moral development — which directly correlates to social, emotional, and intellectual capacity and development. Abstract reasoning is essential to the evolution of post-conventional morality, and 30–40% of the population is incapable of abstract reasoning. So much can go wrong in the course of a childhood to keep us stuck in stages that no longer serve our communities or us.

This month, we introduced Lawrence Kohlberg's theoretical model of moral reasoning. Remember, all stages and states live within your psyche. In studying Kohlberg's theory, we can see that he himself does not integrate Truth (Principle) with love as the overriding stage of being for the highest level of moral reasoning. He does not recognize that the post-conventional stage can only be attained when people learn to self-observe, self-reflect, and hold themselves accountable for their functioning of need, thought, and feeling with a stern but loving and principled presence of self. As you read and try to assimilate these levels, bear these important points in mind.

This month, we studied the Low Self-Esteem cluster of defenses in Codependency. As with all these characteristics, examine the opposite and see if that fits. Either side of the coin is a defense against the fear of feeling shame — that is, being co-dependent in a relationship — meeting another's needs to get your own met. Caring about others' feelings to feel safe. Using another person's suffering to feel superior, safe, and above your own fears of inferiority…. and so on. Remember, this only happens in unawareness of your own feelings and needs. When we are unaware, we cannot be truly empathic, either of ourselves or others.

• Have difficulty making decisions.
• Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• Value others' approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
• Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
• Have difficulty admitting a mistake.
• Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
• Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
• Perceive themselves as superior to others.
• Look to others for a sense of safety.
• Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.

Some common themes that emerged in the groups was to see that resistance to awareness of the deeper feelings and old suffering is to go "up and out" — to focus on another's feelings, thoughts, needs and behaviors and jump to rectify them, control them, judge them, help them, etc. instead of knowing yourself by going "in and down." Or we focus only on what we are aware of in ourselves — our behavior and thoughts — and think we can force it to change through white knuckling, shaming, and controlling ourselves into good behavior and right thoughts.

When we pause before repeating habitual patterns and go in and down, we are reversing the lifelong instinct to "fix" the outside visible problem, instead of allowing ourselves to remember the deep inner shame and fears that have been repressed. We don't want to because we have not yet learned to be loving to ourselves in the recognition of what we uncover. We are still repeating patterns of control, judgment, and anger that caused the repression and unawareness in the first place. We have internalized the culture's controlling voice and now impose punishment, rejection, and dismissal on our own memories and experiences.

To lower resistance means choosing to meet whatever has been experienced and emerges when triggered, with only understanding, questioning, introspection, vision, and compassion. This is not as hard as you might think. It is a choice to just be yourself, which is always understanding and empathetic, until we learned to be distracted from our natural state.

For more — Read here →

Resistance to awareness is defensiveness. One group member described shame as the feeling of being alone in a desert and how strong the impulse is to get away from that experience and feeling memory that leads to blaming — or "offloading," which is another word for projecting, the feeling onto someone else in the form of attack and blame when the shame is turned to rage. This is a sure way not to feel in the moment. Unfortunately, that brings nothing but more shame at 2.00 in the morning, where you toss and turn in the desert of isolation alone with your own judgments and rationalizations.

Another defense is to be "risk-averse," which means trying to avoid all new experiences in which you might fail or not be safe. These points again point to the fact that any failure and shame will be met internally, not with understanding and empathy, but with judgment and cruelty, coming only from your false self, which is the introjected moral control of your upbringing.

Another defense is to "hide from authority figures," both figuratively and metaphorically. You hide your own feelings, needs, thoughts, and behaviors and try to show only what feels safe, which is informed by the lack of safety you felt as a child in the face of authority figures. The work is to remember the feelings of being unsafe you had as a child and to bring the mature True Self, which can see the whole picture with nothing but compassion, into a relationship with the memory.

It is so painful to remember that we try "to rush and move too fast" through the terrain of the ego desert of fear and deprivation. Each step is to be honored and seen with reverence for the incredible path we have taken through life. You cannot miss stages and pretend you have done it all — this is to live in a spiritual bypass. The disappointment and pain when we stumble and trip because we have moved too fast becomes another source of judgment against ourselves. The serious student will go over the already ploughed field and search for the turnips that were passed over with the first harvest.

Another well-meaning and unaware defense is to "try to be a better person." The trouble with this statement is that it implies you were a "worse person." This is to still identify with the function of being a human being in time and space, physicality, and hierarchy, instead of being identified with who you actually are as a spiritual being of infinite love and truth. You will, in human form, always be better or worse — it is inevitable, but it is not your identity, it is just a function. So let's all try to rather realize our true self and become aware of which is which, so that we can live out of the truth of who we are instead of our strivings as the very short-lived time-bound experience of being spirit beings in human form, experiencing the dimensions of time and space.

• To deny our grief is to deny our deep love. Surely if we love deeply, we will be grief-stricken in loss. To know this takes the bitterness and resistance out of grief. It normalizes it.
• And so it is with all the feelings. The greater our fear, the greater the threat as children — how could we not have only reverence and compassion for all our child selves endured and survived? The deeper the shame, the greater the annihilating abuse, mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, that we endured.
• Our ways of coping with the feelings, needs, and experiences of childhood, when understood, bring only our empathy to play. And only love heals, or makes whole the ways in which we were forced to split off from ourselves.
• That aging forces the issue of living from yourSelf (soul) or from the ego functioning because you lose the capacity to use defenses that you used to find some sense of value when you were younger, less aware, and thought your value depended on external accomplishments.
• What we now, as spiritually mature humans, define as "fun, or play," comes from the realm of inner wholeness created through inner relationship. Inner connection brings with it intimacy, laughter, creativity, and joy.
• That often questions are just accusations — the questions we ask ourselves and others. Beware of how you disguise your judgments. For more — Read here →

This month we examined the Compliance patterns of Co-dependency and for everyone to explore the opposite side of each of them as well. For a summary, here they are:

• Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
• Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from others'.
• Accept sexual attention when they want love.
• Make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• Give up their truth to gain others' approval or avoid change.

"The art of seeing is all about questioning."

~ Charisse Lyons

Some common themes that emerged from the study of these characteristics were the recognition of defenses to avoid feelings. The above characteristics are all defenses to avoid feeling and a desperate attempt to meet an unmet childhood need. Ann Wilson Schaeff calls this "impression management," i.e., doing whatever you can to manage another person's impression of you to avoid criticism, judgment, anger, and to try to get the need for acceptance, approval, love, and value met by someone outside of yourself.

Other defenses that were recognized were:

• Running away and disidentifying from someone else or some old identity that fills you with fear and shame. Eg. Immigrating.
• Doing what others want you to do, and that you do not want to do.
• Being responsible, helpful, smart, accomplished, reliable, etc. to please you so that you do not reject, hate, or judge me — needs for value not met in childhood.
• Anticipating what others want and doing before asked.
• Dramatizing and repeating the "stories" of our lives to get attention, sympathy, to belong, to stand out — again needs not met in childhood.
• Giving people the "silent treatment," instead of using our words when we have a need or feeling and are angry that someone else doesn't accommodate our feelings and need.
• Gaslighting — blaming others for our feelings and needs, projecting our own responsibility onto others.
• Falling asleep and blocking out all incoming information that feels shaming or threatening.
• False hope and fantasy, denial and minimization.

The question was asked, "What does it mean to be in a relationship with a feeling?" One answer might be:

• to walk oneself down from the defense
• to feeling the feeling that is being covered up
• to the need that was not met
• to the beliefs you formed about yourself as a result of experiences
• to the memory of the need not being met and how that occurred.

Being in a relationship ideally means being present, loving, supportive, meeting the need to be seen, heard, understood, and empathized with. Instead of projecting this onto a friend, be the friend to yourself. Walk with yourself down the stairs of defenses at the top, to feelings, beliefs, needs, and memories, down deep into the depths of your being that you have not wanted to see, hear, or know about. Be a friend. Be The Friend to yourself.

For more on How to Process Feelings — Read here →

This month, we explored the Denial Patterns of Codependency and examined some of the socialized programming we received that inhibits the free expression of feelings and needs as children. A common dynamic is that the child is called "selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless…" if they do not anticipate and consider the parent's feelings and needs. We explored all the ways we got this message and how the child has the parent's selfishness, or unawareness, self-absorption projected on them, with the result that as adults, we have split off our emotional lives of feeling and need and live in a hyper-vigilant caretaking state that by definition, is not empathic, but a trauma response.

True empathy demands a full awareness of one's own feelings and needs so as to be genuinely present to another's feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them, wanting to fix, advise, and help, and alleviating the anxiety of feeling oneself to be selfish, thoughtless, and inconsiderate. We live above the trauma, trying to be selfless, thoughtful, and considerate, but with no genuine care for the other. In other words, we end up selfish because the original message tries to soothe others to get our need for value met by the other.

For a deeper understanding of the word selfish — read here →

Recommended Reading

This is a brilliant explanation of how our whole culture is at this stage of human development — either dependent or co-dependent — the first tier of consciousness in Wilber's diagram. For those of you who understand The Evolution of Consciousness, this represents 2nd quadrant functioning in unawareness. It is particularly pertinent right now, as so many of us try to understand the election results from both sides. It is a quick, easy, and very succinct book.

For an even deeper understanding, read Ken Wilber, who elucidates the characteristics, dynamics, and processes of what he calls different memes (or stages of development). What is pertinent right now are all the memes up to the green memes. If you understand this map, you will begin to see how increased awareness can expand you, yourself, into the yellow and Turquoise memes, which is so very essential for our world right now. Focusing on your own evolution in consciousness is not selfish — it is essential. This is what our groups are all about.

The other night, Charisse called me to remove a bug from our bedroom. This charming little fellow was on the bed. I thought it looked like an African Stink bug, but wasn't sure — who knew there were stink bugs in Minnesota, too. So, I picked it up, and immediately it exuded a foul odor to warn me off! This innocuous, harmless-looking little insect was disgustingly obnoxious, and I had been fooled. Turns out Charisse was the smart one to be suspicious! It gave me pause to think, especially in light of last week's elections.

It is so easy to be confused by outward appearances, by false promises, by lies, and we can so easily lull ourselves into believing that someone is innocuous and harmless. We listen to the outer words, the words of seduction, the false promises, and we naively believe instead of broadening our knowledge and checking things out. Had I first researched the little bug on the bed I would have found out that they are indeed an invasive species and do tremendous harm to fruit crops, probing into the fruits and sucking out the flesh.

They remind me of politicians. We need to ask ourselves: no matter who they are, what do they want? Why are they appearing? What is it they are hoping to get and suck on? Is it power, money, control? How are the motives about self-interest, not common interest? If I object to their sucking presence, will they too exude a foul odor and pollute the space of our country? And unlike the little stink bug, how great would the damage be to the environment in every way, both our own personal environment and that of the earth? The little stink bug was trying to defend itself with its horrible smell, but it is important to remember that it is a predator that harms our potential food sources, just like politicians. And when we try to stop them and throw them out, they will and do emit a horrible odor of oppression, greed, and violence without a thought for the interests of others.

Given our current situation, I would compare them more to the dirty old man in the black car who drives up and offers a kid candy. A population that is naïve, unthinking, that wants and needs something sweet, will accept the offer of the ride and the candy and then end up raped and dead in a ditch somewhere. This is what I fear is about to happen in our country.

The smell is in the air.

And the work is to examine ourselves carefully. Are we naïve, trusting like children? Do we do due diligence and fact-check everything? Do we look for deeper motives in others' outward words and actions? Or do we take things at "face value"?

But even more importantly, do we deceive others with our outward harmless appearance by looking so nice and kind, but sucking on others to meet our needs? How are you a stink bug who becomes resentful and nasty and irritable when you do not get what you want from all your outwardly and seemingly harmless nice, good, right, and perfect behavior? How well do you know your own motives? How much do you consider the hidden motives and agendas you have for value, power, and control, and how nasty do you get when what you want is thwarted? It is all about the inner work and gaining awareness so that we neither fool ourselves nor are fooled by others. The work is not to run around judging others. The work is to find out when you emit a foul odor, and how you are a little stinker yourself. If you do not see it in yourself, you will fail to see it in others, and your life will be imperiled.

© Lyndall Johnson, November 2024

This month, we have been exploring the characteristics of co-dependency. Many of you have done a great deal of work in this area, gone to 12-step programs, and I believe gained a great deal of insight into the dynamics and processes of being co-dependent, or as I like to say, "nice" narcissists. Why do I say this?

Narcissism is a normal and natural step in human evolution. We all go through an unaware stage, not knowing why we do things, say things, and behave in certain ways. We take it for granted that we are what we were taught to be: nice, good, kind, helpful, considerate, perfect, loving people. However, we long ago forgot how we got to act in these ways. We learned to do the "right" thing out of shame, and fear of being shamed, out of wanting our needs for approval, acceptance, belonging, value, and love to be met by others — mostly our parents, but also our teachers, peer groups, bosses, etc.

We are now conditioned to be what everyone around wants us to be, out of fear and fear of being shamed, out of need — in other words, not out of love — and so the acts themselves ARE NOT LOVING. They are selfish, self-referential, self-indulgent, self-demanding — but all in complete unawareness.

The irony is that we were taught not to be selfish. And so we sacrificed our own needs and feelings to meet those of others, not to be labelled selfish. It is a paradoxical twist that we must see through if we are ever to learn to be truly loving. The focus now has to be on our own feelings and needs because when we are aware, we will be clear about how to meet our needs, care about our own feelings, and stop living through and for other people for selfish gain of approval, acceptance, and value. We will stop being so selfish and self-absorbed in being "good, loving people."

In this clear, aware state, we will be able to feel genuine empathy for the suffering of another and assess accurately whether to meet a need or not.

Go to the Coda website and look up the 5 categories they outline, and the dynamics and processes we have all fallen into in one way or another: coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

"Peeling away the layers that are not loving is the Loving."

~ Charisse Lyons

"The best revenge is learning to love yourself."

~ Charisse Lyons

"You are the plant and the concrete — which will win? How can you learn to co-operate with the innate growth of the plant instead of insisting on being the concrete?"

~ Charisse Lyons

This month we spoke about the waves of anger that wash over us — either intensely or less intensely — and we asked you to write all the words on the intensity continuum that you have for anger. We asked you to consider situations (merely triggers) in which you might feel one of the words on your own continuum. If you had a hard time coming up with words, let's take a look at some of them:

Grumpy, surly, annoyed, irritated, cross, impatient, petulant, frustrated, resentful, furious, irate, incensed, livid, apoplectic, fuming, seething, enraged, see red, boil over, bad tempered, furious, in a temper, exasperated, indignant, vexed, hostile, judgmental, critical, inflamed…

There are many more, but this would give one a flavor of all the ways in which we experience the state of this emotion. Our anger is our first line of defense against the hell realm of shame and helplessness that gets evoked within when something happens that seems to threaten our identity as good, loving beings. Anything that seemingly gives us the message that we are less than, inadequate, stupid, unworthy and unlovable. Our reaction against the shame is rage in one form or another.

This can only happen if, as children, we have internalized messages about our value and made them our own — beliefs that we are unlovable and unworthy. Then we are always seeing something in the world as threatening of our identity and value as human beings. To the extent that we do not have awareness that it is our own inaccurate belief about ourselves, is the extent to which we turn into bitter, judgmental, angry people, reactive to anything anyone says or does. Everything external is misconstrued as the message of our own inner belief system, and a word, a glance, even a loving comment, can evoke the dreaded shame within. As soon as we feel it, we turn it against the seeming threat seen as being the other person. "It's not me that is worthless, it is you." Shame turns to rage, turns to blame. It is an infallible formula. Our shame causes the destruction of relationships, erodes the fabric of family life and undermines nations, plunging them into civil wars, resulting in genocides and murder. It is the cancer of the world — a turning in and against ourselves first and then against ourselves as a people.

Our work is to notice our anger in all its subtleties and examine deeply the underlying shame and fear that are intricately interwoven with our inner belief system and all related back to experiences in childhood when our needs for value and love, clarity and presence, were not met.

We encourage you to read the Sacred Hymn on this topic that Charisse sang a few years back. Study it and start keeping an anger log — write down every instance of anger, no matter how small and insignificant it seems — every judgment, every irritation — and see if you can find the thread back to the shame that needs you, the terror that has been cut off, the experiences of powerlessness in the face of this that you had as a child that caused you to doubt your value, and to do some deep inner correction. Embrace the shame. Examine the belief system. Constrain yourself from acting out, or in, and meet your own need for Truth about who you are and Love for the suffering one within. This way we can all contribute to breaking the cycle of becoming just like our parents and adding to the misery of the world.

"We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are."

~ Anaïs Nin

This month we spoke in all the groups about identifying things in the external world or in your own thought process that activates an inner emotional response, followed by an interpretation and then a defense, when we are not aware. A trigger is also called an Activating Event. Usually the activating event in the external world is some event, experience, or words that are perceived and interpreted to mean something about ourselves — a leftover understanding and belief or meaning that was learned at a very young age.

An example of this was a young man in Eagan a few years back who flew into a rage at someone going slow in front of him. He aggressively cut this person off and made the driver stop, and then got out to hit what he found to be an old lady who was lost and confused. He made the experience mean that he is not worthy of respect and love, and then acted in aggression and violence towards someone, completely misreading the situation because he was activated into a memory state of shame and need for respect. We all do this to the extent that we have unaware, blind spots. The meaning we attach to events and experiences about ourselves is the distorted lens through which we perceive the world, reacting out of this distortion in ways that are destructive to ourselves and others. If we interpreted every event and experience through the lens of deep understanding, wisdom and compassion, the world would reflect back to us our own inner beauty, peace, harmony, joy and love.

Awareness happens when we know and remember that we are the container for all the functions of thinking, feeling, needing and behaving within ourselves. We are consciousness. Thoughts, feelings, needs and behaviors are a FUNCTION or adaptation to the physical world. That is all. They arise within our psyche/soul/consciousness. They must be recognized, seen, known, investigated and questioned, and brought into alignment with Consciousness which is Truth and Love. These are the puzzle pieces we must put together and see their interconnection in our past experiences and memories — especially those that created distorted understandings about the nature of our reality.

Every piece of the puzzle must be turned up and examined to see how it fits into the big picture of our lives. You cannot build the puzzle if there are missing pieces. As you build the puzzle you know that you are the one building the puzzle — you are not the puzzle. You do not identify with the pieces, even though they are experienced very personally; they really are not unique to you — everyone has these experiences of shame and fear and beliefs about being bad. It is universal and not personal. You have to know detachment — i.e. I am having a feeling, I am not the feeling — and then the capacity to hold it in complete reverence, acceptance and warm embrace. Every lost piece you find fits in the puzzle and you welcome it gladly. The burning sensation of shame will not really burn you — it will redeem you and make you whole if you follow the simple instruction of detach and contain. Pay attention and relax. See and accept.

In building a puzzle you cannot look at the picture on the box and say you have built the puzzle and know the puzzle. Just so with this work — you might be able to see the end result, understand it, but you first have to throw all the pieces out of the box, find the corners and straight pieces, turn them all the right way up and see how they fit together until the puzzle matches the picture on the box.

"Awareness is the freedom you are seeking."

~ Charisse Lyons

With our heavy emphasis on intellectual intelligence in our society, we fail to help children be emotionally intelligent. What is emotional intelligence?

• The ability to know how your thinking is informing your feeling and vice versa
• The ability to be aware of and connect to the unmet need that is resulting in the feeling
• The ability to understand the primary feeling underneath the secondary feelings
• The ability to express feelings appropriately and even creatively instead of moving into a control tactic
• The ability to see how control strategies are an attempt to get a need met
• The ability to not blame externals for the feeling state
• The ability to accept the feeling and need with compassion and acceptance, with an understanding of how this arose within as a result of past conditioning

It takes a feeling mind and a thoughtful heart to enter the realms of paradox, unitive understanding, and compassion. We have lost the word for this place. In Japanese there is one word for mind and heart, Kokoro. The Japanese ideogram for mindfulness depicts the heart and mind enfolded. It brings the heart and mind together in the moment.

In Tibetan Buddhism this place is known as: "the Heart Essence of the Great Expanse"

"It's only through the heart that you can reach the Universe."

~ Deb's jacket

"Gaslighting is when you tell someone you have pain and they stick a hot poker into the wound."

"If you continue to live inauthentically there is no further purpose for you here."

"How does one become an artist — not in a practical sense, not by some external measure, but by an invisible and intimate surrender to the creative impulse? It often happens in a single moment of recognition — a point of contact with some aspect of the miraculous in some aspect of the mundane, catalyzing an overwhelming sense of the unity of things and an uncontainable desire to emanate that sense outwardly; to share it, in some form, with others — whose otherness is suddenly dissipated by the very impulse."

~ Maria Popova

This month our discussion in group was around the first line of a hymn that came from Spirit through Charisse. To be able to do this, she sinks to a very deep meditative state where her soul and Spirit are in communion — at-one. This is, of course, the deepest desire of each of us: to be so emptied of ego self that all that is left is our immortal soul in communion with Spirit.

Spirit, or Consciousness, informs each and every one of you — this is the foundation and container of your very being, and so what Spirit says through Charisse is also what Spirit is saying to each of you, within you, that you do not hear when you are distracted by the function of being human — thinking, feeling, needing, acting, in the world.

Think of yourself as an embodiment of Spirit — you are a small drop of the infinite ocean of Consciousness — a soul. This consciousness infuses and informs your physical self — it is that which holds together the cells of your body, and contains them and fills them at the same time. You are a spiritual being having a human experience, as Teilhard de Chardin said. As we have discussed in group, this container can be seen in many metaphors; a golden chalice, a nest, an earthen pitcher holding what you think is water, but is divine wisdom — wine. How do you see your soul body? What images come to mind? Remember you are a Soul. You do not "have" a soul — that is the ego speaking. You are the soul that has the function of ego, for the purpose of survival in form.

The most constricted and limited state of consciousness you experience is when you have very little awareness of yourself as Consciousness. All your attention is focused on the function of being human in form — and this is what is referred to as the ego function of dualistic thought (judgment), the needs that we cannot yet meet for ourselves, the feelings that arise from the unmet inner needs, and the behaviors or defenses that arise to attempt to get needs met through the external world. This is a state of limited and constricted awareness, focused on functioning in the world.

Our natural state of consciousness, or the being state of our soul, is evident to us when we are not distracted by dualistic thought, feeling, need and defense, and we are then naturally in a more spacious, more expanded state. In this state we have expansive thinking that embraces the both-and of all experience, sees it from both sides, from inside and outside, has broad perspective, sees deeply, knows intuitively — all of which we could call the Higher Mind, or Expanded Mind known as Wisdom, which awakens Compassion or Higher Emotion.

Our natural soul state of being is always in communion with Spirit, whether we are aware of it or not, which is Absolute Love and Truth, infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. Think about those words. This is who you are as a soul — one drop of the infinite Love and Wisdom of Pure and Absolute Consciousness. It is when you are in the state of one-ness, or unity with this Consciousness, that your soul becomes a vessel/instrument that is empty of small self or ego, that transmits the great spiritual teachings of the world.

Understanding this teaching gives you the map for understanding yourself. Every moment of every day is to be observed closely — "Am I living in the function of being human — in my shame based and fear ridden ego of dualistic thought/emotion/need/defense?" "Am I experiencing my True Self as relaxed, at peace, joyful, compassionate, wise, serene, gentle, expansive, filled with awe, gratitude, reverence, seeing deeply, curiously, and humorously, playfully, and lightly?" There needs to be continual observation and questioning.

For a more detailed map — Read Here →

When all states of consciousness are in alignment with and in submission to Consciousness/Spirit, then the world (i.e. you) can live in peace, harmony, love, joy and endless acts of creativity. This is the state that Charisse attains when she sings her hymns. It is the state that each of you are desiring — freedom from suffering, and life in the Spirit of Love. When your ego submits to your True Self, and Soul is in alignment with the Law of Love and Truth, your expression will be unique to you and will be your gift to the world.

The next and most profound level of what is happening is that Charisse is hearing Spirit speak to humanity — but because this Spirit informs your very being, these are the words within yourself, that she is giving voice to. If you listen very deeply, this is your voice, being echoed back to you in a way that you can hear yourself speak to yourself.

The full translation of a hymn that comes through Charisse takes hours and hours of work to translate, and then even more hours and hours to translate into piano pieces that will require even more work to turn into orchestral pieces. This is work that Charisse does in reverence and obedience to Spirit and in service to humanity.

"As a humanity, we are each hiding. We hide that we live in hate of our relationships — of ourselves and of others. When we pretend to love what we hate, it causes inner war and builds fences of fear that keep you trapped and filled with resentments."

~ Spirit through the soul of Charisse

"I, as part of humanity, am hiding. I pretend that I love what I hate in relationships — with myself and with others. When I pretend to love what I hate, it causes inner war and builds fences of fear that keep me trapped and filled with resentments."

~ Translated for me from Spirit within me

The opening line speaks to the general stage of development of the entire human race. It is the stage of development of hiding our suffering, which is our self-hatred (shame) that is projected out onto others in hatred of them too. This hiding is the façade, the mask we put on of being "fine," to appear "good, right and perfect" to ourselves and everyone else. We now live in a split state — a state of separation from our emotional suffering, and unawareness that our thinking is in service to hiding the experience of this suffering from ourselves and others.

What is it that we hate about ourselves? We hate that we have feelings, needs, and a body. If you were to list all the ways you hate these functions of being human, you would find a never-ending list of how you are "too much" or "too little" in countless ways. Your judgments are all hatred, rejection, disdain, dismissal, avoidance, attack, of the very essence of being a creature (created being). We have learned only hatred.

We know that we shouldn't hate — we have been taught that this is a terrible word — we may not even say it. And so, we pretend that we don't hate ourselves or others. We cover it all up with being so nice. We say we love one another but secretly we are filled with judgments. We either feel superior or inferior. So, in hating ourselves and others, we lie and tell ourselves we love ourselves and others, all the while secretly harboring anger and judgment. We do not know how to be authentic and honest with ourselves or with others about our feelings and needs.

The work is to recognize that you DO hate. Why do you hate? Where did you learn to hate? How do you hate yourself? How do you judge, criticize, condemn, and reject yourself? Open your heart of acceptance to the shame, the fear, and the unmet needs you so hate and reject that wait for your love, your respect, your honoring, your presence.

Yes, I will hold this suffering within my accepting embrace (compassion — I will suffer with myself and, by extension, with others).

And No, I will no longer live in denial and defense and lies about any diminishment of my value or anyone else's. (wisdom)

The goal of our life is to realize ourselves as being compassionate and wise souls, not to act good, right, and perfect in our egos.

"Like it or not, you are obliged by the inherent force of your very Being to grow from darkness to light, from contraction to openness. You are obliged to love, to be free, and to be happy. Not because of some moral dictate, but because simply Being is, in and of itself, loving, free and happy. This is its nature, as everyone discovers when they allow themselves to relax into who they really are."

~ David Deida

Here is an example from my own life with my own precious daughter. I will paint a scenario for you and see if you can see what the hidden messages and feelings are in the players — me (her mother), and her (my daughter). Feel yourself into the story.

Dinner has just been served — roast chicken with roast potatoes and sweet carrots and peas.

This is a simple vignette — happens all the time all over the world. No-one pays attention to the power and control, the intergenerational trauma inherent in this, the cultural context, the beliefs and experiences informing this interaction, the history of Mom's life, the feelings she is having, the damage being done, and the messages given to the child, the implications of power struggles with 3 year-olds, the end result of this small incident, the lifelong confusion created in this moment.

How is the mother teaching the child to love what she hates, and to hate more deeply that which she already "hates"? What is it the child is really needing? What is she learning to hate about herself? How is the mother hiding what she hates in herself and projecting it onto the child? How is resentment being built up in the child and the mother? Did the child really mean she "hates" peas?

Take the sentence of the hymn and see if you can see how it applies. Once you have done a deep analysis, do it for one small incident in your own life as a child and as a parent — either an external or internal one.

Now consider how the mother might have responded to the child with compassion and wisdom instead of reacting with power, control, and shaming if she had been living an aware life. Don't go to this step until you have fully understood the vignette.

I would like you all to realize the depth of richness in just one line from Spirit and to hold this with reverence and devotion. What a priceless gift. If you can see into the depths of one small interaction in the life of a child and the ramifications of this way of non-relating, then you can see more clearly the condition of the entire world living in ignorance, unawareness, and war within themselves and in relationship to one another.

I offer all this teaching as my work with the first line of the hymn. I have been blessed and I am grateful.

"Man's ideal state is realized when he has fulfilled the purpose for which he was born. And what is it that reason demands of him? Something very easy — that he lives in accordance with his own nature."

~ Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

This last month's discussion revolved around the self-reflection of why it is that people like you or do not like you. It is, of course a trick question that reveals that:

• People can like us or dislike us for the same traits — it is much dependent on who they are, where they are in their development, and not who we are.
• That every trait has an opposite trait and that each trait actually developed from the same root of need to belong and fear of not belonging, fear of safety, emotionally, intellectually, socially and relationally, and the need to be safe, fear of not being valued, and need to be valued, fear of not being loved, and need to be loved.
• That the personality we developed to allay our fears and try to get our needs met from others made us dependent puppets of the desires of others leaving us internally bankrupt of our own authenticity, needs and feelings.
• That the very things we were taught were likable and acceptable traits, like being nice instead of honest, for example, have now backfired on us and caused great harm to us in our lives.
• We sometimes downplay who we think we are, other times we project something much better than what we think we are out of fear and need for approval, acceptance, love, value.
• That there are things about me that truly are unlikeable traits and need to be examined and changed? Eg. If I never say thank you, why? Why is my heart not open to genuine gratitude? If I flip people off in traffic, why? What makes me so rude and unpleasant, angry, aggressive and judgmental?
• There are traits about me that have evolved to be genuinely heart felt instead of fear based? Can I discern the difference and appreciate this about the work I have done in evolving in awareness?

It is time in our lives to change the question to, "What do I like about myself, no matter what others think or respond to me?" Can I pledge to living into the fullest expression of myself as a person likable to myself? Detachment from the responses of others meaning anything about ourselves is a deep practice of all the world's religions. John Shelby Spong, a bishop of the Episcopal Church says this:

"Simon had seen in Jesus a rare personal integrity that was displayed in the courage to be himself in all circumstances. When the masses came to hear Jesus and even to laud him, his head was not turned by their acclaim. When the forces of hostility closed in upon him, his face was not hidden in fear and his spirit was not embittered with rage. Jesus seemed to be free of the need to be defined by the responses of others. Simon yearned to possess that freedom. Jesus also seemed to know how to be present to others. He engaged each moment and each person with the intensity of eternity. When he was with one called the rich young ruler, who carried the signs of earthly power, and when he was with the woman taken in adultery, with no power except the plea for mercy, the attention, the gaze, and the presence of Jesus to that person was portrayed as total. That person was perceived as being the only person in Jesus' life at that moment. In that manner he seemed to challenge with his very life the hierarchy of values by which human beings judged one another. To Jesus, each person bore God's image, each person was worthy of God's love, and therefore each person had the potential to grow into the full life of God's spirit."

~ John Selby Spong, Resurrection: Myth or Reality? HarperCollins Publishers, 1994

Our quest is to live into the fullest expression of our Truest Self, whether others like us or not. Can you make resurrection a reality instead of myth in your own life?

Read the myth of Narcissus — it informs our modern life deeply.

"The greatest manipulation is to convince others they are in control, when in fact, you are the puppet master pulling the strings."

~ Robert Greene

"The manipulator's power lies in their ability to exploit vulnerability and manipulate emotions."

~ Robert Hare

"Just because something isn't a lie does not mean that it isn't deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction."

~ Criss Jami

"And pity — people who inspire it in you are actually very powerful people. To get someone else to take care of you, to feel sorry for you — that takes a lot of strength, smarts, manipulation. Very powerful people."

~ Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

Manipulation is everything we say and do in an attempt to allay our own difficult feelings of fear, shame, helplessness or anger when we are not fully aware of these feelings, or as a way to get someone else to meet our needs when we are not aware of the inner childhood needs and have not yet learned to meet them ourselves through inner relationship. All unmet needs within result in negative feelings and false beliefs about ourselves.

If we do not want to engage in manipulation of others and ourselves, then we must allow ourselves to be aware of our feelings and meet our own needs with a loving heart and spiritual presence. We must not only know WHAT we are doing and saying, but WHY. Hidden agendas must be taken out of the closet and brought into the light of day.

"Awareness is the key to everything that is freeing."

~ Charisse Lyons

Examine these examples and come up with your own — both what you do and what you experience from others. The trick is to see it lightly — without judgment, but with curiosity, kindness and deep understanding as to how it developed. Judgment immediately shuts down enquiry and without understanding and empathy nothing can change in the long run.

• All manipulation is inauthentic to our true self — we give compliments, gifts, rewards, concern, fake empathy, are super nice, generous, boost others' egos, for a hidden emotional agenda of our own.
• Anger is hidden instead of expressed, as in the silent treatment, withdrawal of affection so the other person has to guess what is going on in fear. Saying "Nothing," when someone asks you "What is wrong." Refusing to engage saying things like, "Whatever," or "I don't care," or "I'm fine," when you clearly are not.
• Speaking indirectly about what you want — eg. "We really need a new couch," instead of, "I would like to buy a new couch," which opens up the possibility of negotiation, instead of negation.
• Hypervigilance of the needs of others' feelings in order to be present to them immediately and reactively so as to feel safe. There is an underlying fear of conflict, getting into trouble, being judged as selfish or inconsiderate, etc.
• Exaggerating and acting out feelings and needs and creating drama to frighten others into understanding, or giving in.
• Framing a story in a certain way to make you look good, right and perfect. Or outright lying. Leaving out facts.
• Coercing — eg. "Come on, it will be fun," "Wouldn't you like to…"
• Exploiting others' neediness to one's own gain.
• Turning on the charm, seductiveness.
• Saying yes to what you do not want to do.
• Eliciting pity through a "woe is me" attitude and communication. Using tears to get your way.
• Being stoic and not receiving anything from others — "I don't need anything from you" — and then being resentful when you do not get.
• Saying "This is what we are going to do…" — speaking for others and using "we statements." Eg. Sending airline tickets to someone without asking if they want to visit or not.
• Being overly apologetic or never apologizing.
• Being ingratiating or fawning.
• Asking questions in a way to make someone else realize what you think they should know about themselves.
• Probing, not respecting boundaries.
• Making others second guess themselves.
• Getting in the middle and forming alliances with and against others.
• Micromanaging, nitpicking, criticism of others and self.
• Gaslighting — turning things around on you.
• Breadcrumbing — flirty enough to keep you interested, without investment in relationship.
• Throwing out mixed messages — "I want you around, but I don't."

"You know you are in relationship when you can see the both/and (of feelings, needs, beliefs, experience)."

~ Charisse Lyons