Compassion Group Notes - October 2024

This month we have been exploring the characteristics of co-dependency. Many of you have done a great deal of work in this area, gone to 12 step programs and I believe gained a great deal of insight into the dynamics and processes of being co-dependent, or as I like to say “nice” narcissists. Why do I say this?

Narcissism is a normal and natural step in human evolution. We all go through the unaware stage of not knowing why we do things, say things and behave in certain ways. We take it for granted that we are what we were taught to be: nice, good, kind, helpful, considerate, perfect, loving people. However, we long ago forgot how we got to act in these ways. We learned to do the “right” thing out of shame, and fear of being shamed, out of wanting our needs for approval, acceptance, belonging, value and love to be met by others - mostly our parents, but also our teachers, peer groups, bosses etc.

We are now conditioned to be what everyone around wants us to be, out of fear and fear of being shamed, out of need – in other words, not out of love – and so the acts themselves ARE NOT LOVING. They are selfish, self-referential, self-indulgent, self-demanding – but all in complete unawareness.

The irony is that we were taught to not be selfish. And so we sacrificed our own needs and feelings in order to meet those of others and not be labelled selfish. It is a paradoxical twist that we must see through if we are ever to learn to be truly loving. The focus now has to be on our own feelings and needs because when we are aware, we will be clear about how to meet our needs, care about our own feelings, and stop living through and for other people for selfish gain of approval, acceptance and value. We will stop being so selfish and self absorbed in being “good, loving people.”

In this clear, aware state we will be able to feel genuine empathy for the suffering of another, and assess accurately whether to meet a need or not.

Go to the Coda website and look up the 5 categories that they outline and the dynamics and processes that we have all fallen into in one way or another.

https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

SUGGESTED EXERCISE

As you read through the lists, consider the opposite of what is said, and write that down too, and see if either side of the same coin fits for you or others you know.

eg. Take the first bullet point under DENIAL PATTERNS

Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling

The opposite would be,

Wallow in and exaggerate their feelings

We all have done both sides of the coin at different times.

Use each of these bullet points to journal -one a day.

Ask yourself:

How did I learn these dynamics?
Which of my parents did which side of the coin more?
What is my motive in doing them?
What is the consequence now in my life?
How much resentment do I feel for all that I have given and done for others? How do I feel like a martyr?
What is the secondary gain for me?
What do I believe about myself and others when I engage in these behaviors?
What message am I giving myself and others?
When I do this how do others feel?
What do others believe about themselves as a result of my behavior?
What do others need?

Now, once you have a little awareness into the dynamic, write to your Higher Power, your inner Beloved Friend, Your Spirit Self and confess and then listen to them to tell you the truth in love. What do you hear? Listen carefully and write it down. We need to listen to our Spiritual Parents - not our human ones any longer. And you will only know what they say if you work at really listening within.

Ultimately we are trying to have a new relationship with ourselves and with others – one that results in freedom, peace, joy, love and truth. Our current ways of relating to ourselves and others have been steeped in dependency and co-dependency with an external instead of an internal focus for our attention. Consider how each of the bullet points on the Coda site represents a boundary violation, passive or aggressive behavior, victim/perpetrator behavior, and how this is the paradigm of the world that we see all around us. We are called to live an interdependent life - it requires awareness, truth and love, great courage and humility to actually see what we have been doing in our interactions with ourselves and others.

“Peeling away the layers that are not loving, is the Loving.” ~Charisse Lyons

“The best revenge, is learning to love yourself.” ~ Charisse Lyons”

“You are the plant and the concrete - which will win? How can you learn to co-operate with the innate growth of the plant instead of insisting on being the concrete?” ~ Charisse Lyons

Compassion Group Notes - September 2024

Anger - Projection of Self-Judgment

This month we spoke about the waves of anger that wash over us - either intensely or less intensely, and we asked you to write all the words on the intensity continuum that you have for anger. We asked you to consider situations (merely triggers) in which you might feel one of the words on your own continuum. If you had a hard time coming up with words, lets take a look at some of them:

Grumpy, surely, annoyed, irritated, cross, impatient, petulant, frustrated, resentful, furious, irate, incensed, livid, apoplectic, fuming, seething, enraged, see red, boil over, bad tempered, furious, in a temper, exasperated, indignant, vexed, hostile, judgmental, critical, inflamed…

There are many more, but this would give one a flavor of all the ways in which we experience the state of this emotion. Our anger is our first line of defense against the hell realm of shame and helplessness that get’s evoked within when something happens that seems to threaten our identity as good, loving, beings. Anything that seemingly gives us the message that we are less than, inadequate, stupid, unworthy and unlovable. Our reaction against the shame is rage in one form or another.

This can only happen if, as children, we have internalized messages about our value and made them our own - beliefs that we are unlovable and unworthy. Then we are always seeing something in the world as threatening of our identity and value as human being. To the extent that we do not have awareness that it is our own inaccurate belief about ourselves, is the extent to which we turn into bitter, judgmental, angry people, reactive to anything anyone says or does. Everything external is misconstrued as the message of our own inner belief system, and a word, a glance, even a loving comment, can evoke the dreaded shame within. As soon as we feel it, we turn it against the seeming threat seen as being the other person. “It’s not me that is worthless, it is you.” Shame turns to rage, turns to blame. It is an infallible formula. Our shame causes the destruction of relationships, erodes the fabric of family life and undermines nations, plunging them into civil wars, resulting in genocides and murder. It is the cancer of the world - a turning in and against ourselves first and then against ourselves as a people.

Our work is to notice our anger in all it’s subtleties and examine deeply the underlying shame and fear that are intricately interwoven with our inner belief system and all related back to experiences in childhood when our needs for value and love, clarity and presence, were not met.

We encourage you to read the Sacred Hymn on this topic that Charisse sang a few years back. Study it and start keeping an anger log - write down every instance of anger, no matter how small and insignificant it seems - every judgment, every irritation - and see if you can find the thread back to the shame that needs you, the terror that has been cut off, the experiences of powerless in the face of this that you had as a child that caused you to doubt your value, and to do some deep inner correction. Embrace the shame, Examine the belief system, Constrain yourself from acting out, or in, and, Meet your own need for Truth about who your are and Love for the suffering one within. This way we can all contribute to breaking the cycle of becoming just like our parents and adding to the misery of the world.

Stand down from Rage

The weapon of words can kill

Almost as brutally

as a weapon of action.

A word can kick,

And punch,

And toss one around a room

slamming into walls,

and breaking bones,

along with any right to exist.

Some weapon of words

Are loud and powerful,

With an expressive face

And hands and arms that move

Wildly through space.

Some weapons of words

Are quiet and seething,

With squinting eyes,

And a slow measured voice.

Some weapons of words

Are practical and reasonable

Presented with calm

and matter of factness.

Some weapons of words

Are whiny and point fingers

For all the ways they feel hurt.

No matter the form,

You can be sure,

These weapons are vomited rage.

Spewing bile and hatred,

Expecting it to connect and heal.

And calling it love.

We all use these

weapons of words,

This unowned rage.

We turn words around

and throw them at others,

refusing to hear with courage

the true message inside.

Are we brave enough

to ignore the rising bile

of vomited rage?

Do we have the courage

to instead hear

what is pushing the rage up

from deep inside?

Can you hear the voices

that scream and yell wildly

And tell you that you

are weak and powerless?

Can you hear the voices

that have squinted eyes

that tell you that you are not trustworthy,

In fact you are crooked and small?

Can you hear the voices

that whine and give up self respect

ss you demand someone else take care of

........What you need to take care of?

Stand down from turning words around.

Stand down from words that get loud

Stand down from whining to be taken care of

Stand down to all these forms of vomited rage.

For there is no other,

That created these thoughts

and hurtful meanings.

It is the hidden arsenal

of hurtful voices and words

you hold within.

Weapons of words

can not connect and heal.

Weapons of words

Can not be love.

Stand down from rage.

Stand down with a firm no.

Instead stand with love

that listens and holds.

Within, is the only place

to be free.

© Charisse LyonsAugust 2024

Compassion Group Notes - August 2024

What are triggers?

“We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are”~Anaïs Nin

This month we spoke in all the groups about identifying things in the external world or in your own thought process that activates an inner emotional response, followed by an interpretation and then a defense, when we are not aware. A trigger is also called an Activating Event. Usually the activating event in the external world is some event, experience, words that are perceived and interpreted to mean something about ourselves that is a leftover understanding and belief or meaning that was learned at a very young age. An example of this was a young man in Eagan a few years back who flew into a rage at someone going slow in front of him. He aggressively cut this person off and made the driver stop, and then got out to hit what he found to be an old lady who was lost and confused. He made the experience mean that he is not worthy of respect and love, and then acted in aggression and violence towards someone, completely misreading the situation because he was activated into a memory state of shame and need for respect. We all do this to the extent that we have unaware, blind spots. The meaning we attach to events and experiences about ourselves is the distorted lens through which we perceive the world, reacting out of this distortion in ways that are destructive to ourselves and others. If we interpreted every event and experience through the lens of deep understanding, wisdom and compassion, the world would reflect back to us our own inner beauty, peace, harmony, joy and love. Can you see in the example above, that if this young man had been aware of a different reality than the one through which he was interpreting the event, he might have followed the old lady with compassion and asked her if he could help her?

Awareness happens when we know and remember that we are the container for all the functions of thinking, feeling, needing and behaving within ourselves. We are consciousness. Thoughts, feelings, needs and behaviors are a FUNCTION or adaptation to the physical world. That is all. They arise within our psyche /soul /consciousness. They must be recognized, seen, known, investigated and questioned, and brought into alignment with Consciousness which is Truth and Love. These are the puzzle pieces we must put together and see their interconnection in our past experiences and memories - especially those that created distorted understandings about the nature of our reality. Every piece of the puzzle must be turned up and examined to see how it fits into the big picture of our lives. You cannot build the puzzle if there are missing pieces. As you build the puzzle you know that you are the one building the puzzle - you are not the puzzle. You do not identify with the pieces, even though they are experienced very personally; they really are not unique to you - everyone has these experiences of shame and fear and beliefs about being bad. It is universal and not personal. You have to know detachment - i.e. I am having a feeling, I am not the feeling – and then the capacity to hold it in complete reverence, acceptance and warm embrace. Every lost piece you find fits in the puzzle and you welcome it gladly. The burning sensation of shame will not really burn you – it will redeem you and make you whole if you follow the simple instruction of detach and contain. Pay attention and relax. See and accept.

In building a puzzle you cannot look at the picture on the box and say you have built the puzzle and know the puzzle. Just so with this work - you might be able to see the end result, understand it, but you first have to throw all the pieces out of the box, find the corners and straight pieces, turn them all the right way up and see how they fit together until the puzzle matches the picture on the box.

“Awareness is the freedom you are seeking.” ~Charisse Lyons

With our heavy emphasis on intellectual intelligence in our society, we fail to help children be emotionally intelligent. What is emotional intelligence?

The ability to know how your thinking is informing your feeling and vice versa

The ability to be aware of and connect to the unmet need that is resulting in the feeling

The ability to understand the primary feeling underneath the secondary feelings

The ability to express feelings appropriately and even creatively instead of moving into a control tactic

The ability to see how control strategies are an attempt to get a need met

The ability to not blame externals for the feeling state

The ability to accept the feeling and need with compassion and acceptance, with an understanding of how this arose within as a result of past conditioning

It takes a feeling mind and a thoughtful heart to enter the realms of paradox, unitive understanding, and compassion. We have lost the word for this place. In Japanese there is one word for mind and heart, Kokoro. The Japanese ideogram for mindfulness depicts the heart and mind enfolded. It brings the heart and mind together in the moment.

In Tibetan Buddhism this place is known as,

“the Heart Essence of the Great Expanse”

Quotes of the month

“It’s only through the heart that you can reach the Universe.” ~Deb’s jacket

“Gaslighting is when you tell someone you have pain and they stick a hot poker into the wound.”

“If you continue to live inauthentically there is no further purpose for you here.”

Compassion Group Notes - July 2024

Teaching Sacred Hymn - In Sacred Breath, Bow

How does one become an artist — not in a practical sense, not by some external measure, but by an invisible and intimate surrender to the creative impulse? It often happens in a single moment of recognition — a point of contact with some aspect of the miraculous in some aspect of the mundane, catalyzing an overwhelming sense of the unity of things and an uncontainable desire to emanate that sense outwardly; to share it, in some form, with others — whose otherness is suddenly dissipated by the very impulse. ~Maria Popova

This month our discussion in group was around the first line of a hymn that came from Spirit through Charisse. To be able to do this, she sinks to a very deep meditative state where her soul and Spirit are in communion – at-one. This is, of course the deepest desire of each of us to be so emptied of ego self that all that is left is our immortal soul in communion with Spirit.

Spirit, or Consciousness, informs each and every one of you – this is the foundation and container of your very being, and so what Spirit says through Charisse is also what Spirit is saying to each of you, within you, that you do not hear when you are distracted by the function of being human – thinking, feeling, needing, acting, in the world.

Think of yourself as an embodiment of Spirit – you are a small drop of the infinite ocean of Consciousness – a soul. This consciousness infuses and informs your physical self – it is that which holds together the cells of your body, and contains them and fills them at the same time. You are a spiritual being having a human experience, as Teilhard de Chardin said. As we have discussed in group, this container can be seen in many metaphors; a golden chalice, a nest, an earthen pitcher holding what you think is water, but is divine wisdom – wine. How do you see your soul body? What images come to mind? The part of you that is the observer, container, of your earthly life? Find an image that works for you. Remember you are a Soul. You do not “have” a soul – that is the ego speaking. You are the soul that has the function of ego, for the purpose of survival in form.

The most constricted and limited state of consciousness you experience is when you have very little awareness of yourself as Consciousness. All your attention is focused on the function of being human in form and this is what is referred to as the ego function of dualistic thought (judgment), the needs that we cannot yet meet for ourselves, the feelings that arise from the unmet inner needs, and the behaviors or defenses that arise to attempt to get needs met through the external world. This is a state of limited and constricted awareness, focused on functioning in the world. We could say that thought at this level is Constricted Thought, leading to the Constricted Emotions of fear, shame and anger, leading to constricted and destructive behaviors that contradict the Higher Laws of Love and Truth.

Our natural state of consciousness, or the being state of our soul, is evident to us when we are not distracted by dualistic thought, feeling, need and defense, and we are then naturally in a more spacious, more expanded state. In this state we have expansive thinking that embraces the both-and of all experience, sees it from both sides, from inside and outside, has broad perspective, sees deeply, knows intuitively – all of which we could call the Higher Mind, or Expanded Mind known as Wisdom, which awakens Compassion or Higher Emotion.

Our natural soul state of being is always in communion with Spirit, whether we are aware of it or not, which is Absolute Love and Truth, infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent. Think about those words. This is who you are as a soul – one drop of the infinite Love and Wisdom of Pure and Absolute Consciousness. It is when you are in the state of one-ness, or unity with this Consciousness, that your soul becomes a vessel/instrument that is empty of small self or ego, that transmits the great spiritual teachings of the world – the Word that creates and guides your own evolution in living into the revelation of who you are, and also creates and guides every soul in the universe from within.

Understanding this teaching gives you the map for understanding yourself. Every moment of every day is to be observed closely – “Am I living in the function of being human – in my shame based and fear ridden ego of dualistic thought/emotion/need/defense?” “Am I experiencing my True Self as relaxed, at peace, joyful, compassionate, wise, serene, gentle, expansive, filled with awe, gratitude, reverence, seeing deeply, curiously, and humorously, playfully, and lightly?” . . . There needs to be continual observation and questioning – “Can I be in relationship with the function of ego with compassion, and bring wisdom to whatever condition I find myself in?” “Am I experiencing communion with my Source, and does this flow through me in acts of authentic loving service, creativity, art, music, dance, relationships of deep intimacy and connection, inventions, knowing, writing, poetry?” “Do I speak the language of Love and Truth through my work in the world?”

Consider the map below that shows the most limited and constricted state of consciousness of only ego awareness to the most expansive state of consciousness in the revelation of yourself as one with Consciousness. All the great spiritual teachings of the world recognize at least these three domains of consciousness in the experience of our human life. Ego awareness is the 1st most constricted domain, living in your Self or Soul without ego attachment is the 2nd domain, and the 3rd domain is the experience of Unity / Enlightenment / Salvation / At-one-ment of Soul with the Boundless Consciousness of Being/Spirit.

3 STATES OF CONSCIOUSNESS

Within each of you

SPIRIT

ABSOLUTE

LOVE

TRUTH

_________________________________________________

SOUL - YOU

IN AWARENESS, CONNECTED TO SPIRIT

LIVES NATURALLY IN A STATE OF

COMPASSION

WISDOM

__________________________________

EGO – Function only

FUNCTION AND PURPOSE to serve – NEED FOR SURVIVAL IN FORM

DUALISTIC THOUGHT

EMOTION

In unawareness, disconnected from soul and Spirit – destructive

In awareness, connected to and in submission to Soul that is in communion with Spirit– Creative

For a more detailed map – Read Here

When all states of consciousness are in alignment with and in submission to Consciousness/Spirit, then the world (i.e. you) can live in peace, harmony, love, joy and endless acts of creativity. This is the state that Charisse attains when she sings her hymns. It is the state that each of you are desiring – freedom from suffering, and life in the Spirit of Love. When your ego submits to your True Self, and Soul is in alignment with the Law of Love and Truth, your expression will be unique to you and will be your gift to the world. Many of you have had glimpses or brief experiences of this state of unity but have found it hard to sustain. The hymns are providing instruction and guidance, teaching and profound wisdom. You are the very privileged few to receive them through a direct transmission from a living teacher instead of reading the words of old, dead masters in the world.

The next and most profound level of what is happening is that Charisse is hearing Spirit speak to humanity - but because this Spirit informs your very being, these are the words within yourself, that she is giving voice to. If you listen very deeply, this is your voice, being echoed back to you in a way that you can hear yourself speak to yourself. And so when you receive this first sentence of the hymn, hear it as Spirit within you giving you a message. Spirit is ONE. It informs every one of you from within, and so it is the Spirit of Consciousness speaking through your soul - to you. Very often when I hear the translations, I am not shocked by the words but shocked to hear the words in me, that I fully recognize as within me, being given voice through Charisse. I can hear the echo of myself clearly in the words when they are translated. It helps me hear myself speaking to myself. What a gift! It is the God within speaking to the human me. God is with me, in me, for me, gently and firmly guiding my path. Charisse helps concretize this knowing to illuminate the path directly.

The full translation of a hymn that comes through Charisse takes hours and hours of work to translate, and then even more hours and hours to translate into piano pieces that will require even more work to turn into orchestral pieces. This is work that Charisse does in reverence and obedience to Spirit and in service to humanity. I continue to be struck by the awe of this miraculous event and humbled to be able to receive these direct teachings. I study them deeply and will share with you my own work around this one sentence with which Charisse has gifted us, for your own inner study and as guidance on your path.

Here is the translation from the elemental Sanskrit in which she is speaking and singing. The original words are more like concepts and meaning in sound from which ancient Sanskrit evolved.

This hymn starts with talking and teaching. Here is the first line that you were given to study. The entire hymn has been translated and those of you that feel a deep desire to study the entire hymn please contact Charisse. However, this one line has given all the groups plenty of work for this month.

Here it is, followed by my notes on the learnings you all shared and the teaching of my own understanding.

“As a humanity, we are each hiding. We hide that we live in hate of our relationships – of ourselves and of others. When we pretend to love what we hate, it causes inner war and builds fences of fear that keep you trapped and filled with resentments.” ~ Spirit through the soul of Charisse

Translated for me from Spirit within me. “I, as part of humanity, am hiding. I pretend that I love what I hate in relationships – with myself and with others. When I pretend to love what I hate, it causes inner war and builds fences of fear that keep me trapped and filled with resentments.”

The opening line speaks to the general stage of development of the entire human race. It is the stage of development of hiding our suffering, which is our self-hatred (shame) that is projected out onto others in hatred of them too. This hiding is the façade, the mask we put on of being “fine,” to appear “good, right and perfect” to ourselves and everyone else. We now live in a split state – a state of separation from our emotional suffering, and unawareness that our thinking is in service to hiding the experience of this suffering from ourselves and others. We relegate feelings of fear, fear of feeling shame, shame, and anger to the nether regions of our awareness, and live above it in our defenses that are all artifacts of thought and judgment. We hide our shame and dress up in finery. The story of “The Emperor Who Has No Clothes” speaks to our cultural façade of pretending to be dressed in finery and pretending to see everyone else’s finery when in fact the shame is evident to anyone that is aware. This is a fascinating phenomenon to watch in society. Right now the so-called “emperor” has no clothes on. His shame and his suffering are as visible to everyone (if they can see) as if he were parading around naked, and yet there is a cultural collusion to buy into the finery – the wealth, the power, the hollow promises, the lies, the twisting of truth – and on and on.

What is it that we hate about ourselves? We hate that we have feelings, needs, and a body. If you were to list all the ways you hate these functions of being human, you would find a never-ending list of how you are “too much” or “too little” in countless ways. Your judgments are all hatred, rejection, disdain, dismissal, avoidance, attack, of the very essence of being a creature (created being). We have learned only hatred. We learned as small children to hate our feelings as weak, being a sissy, irritating, distasteful, and now that we know we need to be in touch with our feelings and reclaim them, we hate ourselves for not doing this fast enough, well enough, correctly enough. We are caught in a double bind of hatred – damned if we do and damned if we don’t. This is indeed the hell realm of existence.

We know that we shouldn’t hate – we have been taught that this is a terrible word – we may not even say it. And so, we pretend that we don’t hate ourselves or others. We cover it all up with being so nice. We say we love one another but secretly we are filled with judgments. We either feel superior or inferior. We see others as inferior or superior. So, in hating ourselves and others, we lie and tell ourselves we love ourselves and others, all the while secretly harboring anger and judgment. We do not know how to be authentic and honest with ourselves or with others about our feelings and needs. We are terrified to face this reality because to reconnect to shame, fear, and need is painful – unless you have the strength to know who you really are and can hold this within the knowing of your Self, trusting that you will be able to see without judgment and with full acceptance, compassion and wisdom for yourself. Until you can do this you will continue to project your self-hatred onto others, while pretending to be loving. You will not be able to be genuinely compassionate or wise in relationship to others, just as you cannot do so with your own suffering.

Consider all the lovely things you do for other people to prove how loving you are. Think of all the ways you are good, right, and perfect to prove to yourself that you have value.

Why do you have to prove this when it is a fundamental truth? When others do not give you the recognition that you are so “loving,” how do you feel? Angry, resentful about all you do out of love for them? You fear that you are unlovable, so you live a life proving you are, and feeling furious about it. This is all illusion.

The work is to recognize that you DO hate. Why do you hate? Where did you learn to hate? How do you hate yourself? How do you judge, criticize, condemn, and reject yourself? Open your heart of acceptance to the shame, the fear, and the unmet needs you so hate and reject that wait for your love, your respect, your honoring, your presence. This Loving presence can be known by its consort Truth, that will not tolerate the lies you were taught about being “wrong, bad, and having no value,” Truth will discern all the levels and layers of your evolution and embrace all the stages you have lived through with full understanding and firm limit.

E.g. Yes , I will hold this suffering within my accepting embrace (compassion – I will suffer with myself and, by extension, with others) (I am the Container of what is contained.)

And No, I will no longer live in denial and defense and lies about any diminishment of my value or anyone else’s. (wisdom)

The goal of our life is to realize ourselves as being compassionate and wise souls, not to act good, right, and perfect in our egos.

“Like it or not, you are obliged by the inherent force of your very Being to grow from darkness to light, from contraction to openness. You are obliged to love, to be free, and to be happy. Not because of some moral dictate, but because simply Being is, in and of itself, loving, free and happy. This is its nature, as everyone discovers when they allow themselves to relax into who they really are.” ~David Deida

How did hatred develop in you? Here is an example from my own life with my own precious daughter. I will paint a scenario for you and see if you can see what the hidden messages and feelings are in the players – me (her mother), and her (my daughter.) Feel yourself into the story. Allow yourself to feel the feelings, needs, beliefs, defenses of me the mother, and her the child.

Dinner has just been served – roast chicken with roast potatoes and sweet carrots and peas.

3 year old: “ I don’t want peas, I hate peas.”

Mom: “I have only given you 1 teaspoon of peas. You only must eat a little so you can learn to like peas. We don’t say we hate food. These are yummy sweet peas, just try one.”

3 year old: Takes one pea, puts it in her moth and spits it out. ”Ugh, it makes me sick.”

Mom sternly: “ No, it doesn’t. You are going to sit there and eat those peas. You do not hate food. There are children who have no food to eat and would love to get some peas.”

3 year old: Pouts and refuses to eat.

Mom: “Then off you go to bed, you don’t have to have dinner.”

This is a simple vignette – happens all the time all over the world. No-one pays attention to the power and control, the intergenerational trauma inherent in this, the cultural context, the beliefs and experiences informing this interaction, the history of Mom’s life, the feelings she is having, the damage being done, and the messages given to the child, the implications of power struggles with 3 year-olds, the end result of this small incident, the lifelong confusion created in this moment. The feelings and needs of the child, the self-hatred she is learning, the anger being built up to be acted out later in life, and the way this is patterned into the child to repeat this with her child one day. How is the mother teaching the child to love what she hates, and to hate more deeply that which she already “hates.” What is it the child is really needing? What is she learning to hate about herself? How might this turn out? How is the mother hiding what she hates in herself and projecting it onto the child? How is resentment being built up in the child and the mother? How does this create separation in relationship instead of connection, both internally and externally? Did the child really mean she “hates” peas? Could we teach the child to love peas, connect to peas and not have to eat them? How does the mother hate herself and pretends not to? Has this got anything to do with peas at all?

Take the sentence of the hymn and see if you can see how it applies.

Once you have done a deep analysis, do it for one small incident in your own life as a child and as a parent – either an external or internal one.

Now consider how the mother might have responded to the child with compassion and wisdom instead of reacting with power, control, and shaming if she had been living an aware life. Don’t go to this step until your have fully understood the vignette.

I would like you all to realize the depth of richness in just one line from Spirit and to hold this with reverence and devotion. What a priceless gift. If you can see into the depths of one small interaction in the life of a child and the ramifications of this way of non-relating, then you can see more clearly the condition of the entire world living in ignorance, unawareness, and war within themselves and in relationship to one another.

I offer all this teaching as my work with the first line of the hymn. I have been blessed and I am grateful.

Compassion Group Notes - June 2024

Why do People Not Like You?

“Man’s ideal state is realized when he has fulfilled the purpose for which he was born. And what is it that reason demands of him? Something very easy – that he lives in accordance with his own nature.”

Seneca, “Letters from a Stoic”

This last months discussion revolved around the self-reflection of why it is that people like you or do not like you? It is, of course a trick question that reveals that:

People can like us or dislike us for the same traits - it is much dependent on who they are, where they are in their development, and not who we are
That every trait has an opposite trait and that each trait actually developed from the same root of need to belong and fear of not belonging, fear of safety, emotionally, intellectually, socially and relationally, and the need to be safe, fear of not being valued, and need to be valued, fear of not being loved, and need to be loved.
That the personality we developed to allay our fears and try to get our needs met from others made us dependent puppets of the desires of others leaving us internally bankrupt of our own authenticity, needs and feelings.
That the very things we were taught were likable and acceptable traits, like being nice instead of honest, for example, have now backfired on us and caused great harm to us in our lives.
We sometimes downplay who we think we are, other times we project something much better than what we think we are out of fear and need for approval, acceptance, love, value…..
That there are things about me that truly are unlikeable traits and need to be examined and changed? Eg. If I never say thank you, why? Why is my heart not open to genuine gratitude? If I flip people off in traffic, why? What makes me so rude and unpleasant, angry, aggressive and judgmental?
There are traits about me that have evolved to be genuinely heart felt instead of fear based? Can I discern the difference and appreciate this about the work I have done in evolving in awareness?
It is time in our lives to change the question to, “What do I like about myself, no matter what others think or respond to me?” “Can I pledge to living into the fullest expression of myself as a person likable to myself? Detachment from the responses of others meaning anything about ourselves is a deep practice of all the world’s religions. John Shelby Spong, a bishop of the Episcopal Church says this:
“Simon had seen in Jesus a rare personal integrity that was displayed in the courage to be himself in all circumstances. When the masses came to hear Jesus and even to laud him, his head was not turned by their acclaim. When the forces of hostility closed in upon him, his face was not hidden in fear and his spirit was not embittered with rage. Jesus seemed to be free of the need to be defined by the responses of others. Simon yearned to possess that freedom.
Jesus also seemed to know how to be present to others. He engaged each moment and each person with the intensity of eternity. When he was with one called the rich young ruler, who carried the signs of earthly power, and when he was with the woman taken in adultery, with no power except the plea for mercy, the attention, the gaze, and the presence of Jesus to that person was portrayed as total. That person was perceived as being the only person in Jesus’ life at that moment. In that manner he seemed to challenge with his very life the hierarchy of values by which human beings judged one another. To Jesus, each person bore God’s image, each person was worthy of God’s love, and therefore each person had the potential to grow into the full life of God’s spirit.”
Spong, John Selby. Resurrection: Myth or Reality? HarperCollins Publishers: New York, New York. 1994

Our quest is to live into the fullest expression of our Truest Self, whether others like us or not. Can you make resurrection a reality instead of myth in your own life?

Read the myth of Narcissus - it informs our modern life deeply.

The Man in the Mirror

~Dale Wimbrow

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.

But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.

Compassion Group Notes - May 2024

“The greatest manipulation is to convince others they are in control, when in fact, you are the puppet master pulling the strings.”

~Robert Greene

“The manipulator’s power lies in their ability to exploit vulnerability and manipulate emotions.”

~ Robert Hare

“Just because something isn't a lie does not mean that it isn't deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.”
~ Criss Jami

“And pity--people who inspire it in you are actually very powerful people. To get someone else to take care of you, to feel sorry for you--that takes a lot of strength, smarts, manipulation. Very powerful people.”
~Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

Manipulation

Definition:

Manipulation is everything we say and do in an attempt to allay our own difficult feelings of fear, shame, helplessness or anger when we are not fully aware of these feelings, or as a way to get someone else to meet our needs when we are not aware of the inner childhood needs and have not yet learned to meet them ourselves through inner relationship. All unmet needs within result in negative feelings and false beliefs about ourselves.

If we do not want to engage in manipulation of others and ourselves, then we must allow ourselves to be aware of our feelings and meet our own needs with a loving heart and spiritual presence. We must not only know WHAT we are doing and saying, but WHY. Hidden agendas must be taken out of the closet and brought into the light of day.

“Awareness is the key to everything that is freeing.” ~Charisse Lyons

What does manipulation look like?

Examine these examples and come up with your own - both what you do and what you experience from others. The trick is to see it lightly - without judgment, but with curiosity, kindness and deep understanding as to how it developed. Judgement immediately shuts down enquiry and without understanding and empathy nothing can change in the long run. We can change superficially but we will never transform manipulation into negotiation without full awareness.

Here are some examples that people came up with in group:

All manipulation is inauthentic to our true self - we give compliments, gifts, rewards, concern, fake empathy, are super nice, generous, boost others ego’s, for a hidden emotional agenda of our own
Anger is hidden instead of expressed, as in the silent treatment, withdrawal of affection so the other person has to guess what is going on in fear. Saying “Nothing,” when someone asks you “What is wrong.” Refusing to engage saying things like, “Whatever,” or “I don’t care,” or “I’m fine,” when you clearly are not
Speaking indirectly about what you want - eg. “We really need a new couch,” instead of, “I would like to buy a new couch,” which opens up the possibility of negotiation, instead of negation. which the first communication is likely to get.
It is hyper vigilant of the needs of others feelings and needs in order to her present to them immediately and reactively so as to feel safe. There is an underlying fear of conflict, getting into trouble, being judged as selfish or inconsiderate, etc.
Exaggerating and acting out feelings and needs and creating drama to frighten others into understanding, or giving in.
Framing a story in a certain way to make you look good, right and perfect. Or outright lying. Leaving out facts.
Coercing - eg. “Come on, it will be fun,” “Wouldn’t you like to….”
Exploiting others neediness to ones own gain
Turning on the charm, seductiveness
Saying yes to what you do not want to do
Eliciting pity through a “woe is me,” attitude and communication. Using tears to get your way.
Being stoic and not receiving anything from others - I don’t need anything from you…. and then being resentful when you do not get
Saying, “This is what we are going to do…” Speaking for others and using “we statements.” Eg. Sending airline tickets to someone without asking if they want to visit or not.
Being overly apologetic or never apologizing
Being ingratiating or fawning
Asking questions in a way to make someone else realize what you think they should know about themselves
Probing, not respecting boundaries
Making others second guess themselves
Getting in the middle and forming alliances with and against others
Micromanaging, nitpicking, criticism, others and self
Gaslighting - turning things around on you
Breadcrumbing - flirty enough to keep you interested, without investment in relationship
Throwing out mixed messages - I want you around, but I don’t
“You know you are in relationship when you can see the both/and (of feelings, needs, beliefs, experience)” ~Charisse Lyons