August 2019 - Compassion Group Notes
Family Roles and Rules – Seeing and Wondering
“When we disown parts of ourself, we tend to judge others who display those same qualities. We lay claim to moral superiority. This holding too tightly to a role can create a chasm between people that’s difficult to cross.” ~Frank Ostaseski,
Why is it that we find it necessary to establish group rules when we first start group? It is because we are establishing rules of functionality, kindness, consideration and safety that no-one actually understands or lives by.
We all grew up in families that had many implicit and explicit rules by which we lived in dysfunction and anxiety. The glue that binds the dysfunctional family together is shame. And so, as a group, we have to intentionally decide on something different in our groups - things like confidentiality, not secrets – we talk about the issues instead of hiding them and we keep each others confidentiality – meaning we do not gossip and form alliances against others. We talk for ourselves and do not give advice, teach, help, rescue, fix or enable anyone else. We talk about feelings and needs, and do not use underhand and indirect tactics to get needs met. We do not act out roles that are habitual forms of defense in a desperate attempt to get needs met. And, so on, and so on. Usually in the course of a group session, one or more dysfunctional dynamics will play themselves out in the group. What is happening in the group is just a reflection of what is happening in your life. What is acted out here, is acted out everywhere. What is acted in, is acted in, everywhere. But in life, no-one is likely to lovingly hold you accountable to becoming aware, because everyone else in the groups to which we belong, knows the dysfunctional rules and live by them. Largely this means that there is superficial pretense to which everyone adheres.
And why do these roles play themselves out in the group, despite the rules and despite your best attempts not to? It is because you are unaware of the underlying, forces that compel these behaviors. The deep undercurrents of fear and shame, in all their nuances, textures and flavors are not apparent to you yet, and the group replicates your family of origin in some way. Someone will become mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle…., and you will transfer the feelings, beliefs and needs of those original wounds on to group members and treat them in the way you have learned to be around your family as children. The group becomes a re-entry into your family of origin in some unaware way and you play out the dynamics in dysfunctional behaviors, transfer the original feelings you had in those dynamics and relationships, believe the same things you believed as children, see it through the lens of dysfunction and fear, need the things you needed back then and act out your ways of getting needs met – all in the group. How wonderful!!! Now it can be seen, and, within the safety of the group, established and maintained according to the law of love, instead of shame, you can see how you are living a life of shame, fear and defense and you can self correct. We cannot self correct what we cannot see.
The dysfunctional family system is like a mobile – this mobile is pretty stable if there is no wind blowing. Each part knows where it belongs and what it must do to maintain the homeostasis of the whole. The dysfunctional family system can look very normal and functional ON THE OUTSIDE. The whole system of shame is designed to make the system look good on the outside, by hiding the traumas, keeping the secrets, forming alliances of power against anyone that threatens the system and rocks the boat. Reward and punishment is the currency to maintain the status quo. The checks and balances are all about power and control and on the outside, everyone looks like the culture expects them to look. This is very confusing. The child’s experience is one of suffering and yet everyone sees this as a “good family.” The slightest breeze from the outside however, can set the whole mobile into motion, jangling with dis-ease. There is usually one family member that starts to upset the dysfunctional stability by not agreeing with their role in the system in some way – and this is the one who starts getting aware and dedicating themselves to an inner journey of self discovery. And that one person is you. Now you become an outside threat to the whole system and so the whole system will connive to get you back to being the same as you were before, or they will toss you out and reconfigure into their usual stable dysfunction. This is, of course, all done with complete justification and self righteousness in complete unawareness. This is powerful punishment for the one who decides to start seeing – and yet, it happens over and over again to those that dare to step out of role and break the rules of dysfunction, that bind the shame based family together.
The roles you learned to play are the roles you will re-enact in group. And breaking the dynamics of your pre-determined roles requires you doing the daily practice of considering your choices, your words, your actions, your thoughts, your motives, your dynamics with others. It requires SEEING and WONDERING why you are feeling, needing, acting, believing the way you do. It requires seeing the role – or dynamic – or archetype, that you keep re-enacting. It is as if you were typecast at birth and keep that role in every drama we live in life.
Consider, as Shakespeare said, that life is a play. You were given a role at birth and no matter which play is going on you find your role and keep living that role. It is horrible! Can you imagine playing the fool in every drama of your life if you were an actor? How long would you like your career? If you cannot see that every role is open to you depending on what is required in the moment, you will live a flat, uni-dimensional existence for the rest of your lives.
Consider the role you chose and were given (it is a both/and), and in the next month, notice how often you play out the role. In a dysfunctional system, you may only play one role primarily, and if you step out of it, you will jangle the system badly and be punished. What is your role? Have your broken out of the role and experienced the punishment? Or are you too terrified to be anything other than the assigned role? Or have you broken out and then quickly gone back to stabilize the system? There is overlap between these roles, of course, – this is just a broad stroke description to aid you in more specifically seeing the roles you played and to what extent, as well as other members of your family. Remember, there is not one dynamic that does not live within you, so to limit yourself to one prescribed role in unawareness is to live an imprisoned life. Find all the roles within and bring them to the light of your awareness.
The word “role” is helpful in pointing to the fact that this is not who we really are, but how we learnt to act, in order to somehow protect ourselves from fear and shame, guilt and loneliness, pain and hurt. These roles can shift and change as the family changes, (eg. The oldest leaves home). We can have characteristics of all or some or one to one degree or another.
Here are some of the roles you have been conditioned to play. Consider the people in your life – friends, partners. We will find people that somehow help us live in role. If we are co-dependent we will find someone that is dependent and the roles are locked in in a dance of dysfunction and defense, that replicates the relationships in the family of origin.
Consider which of the roles outline below, you have played, in your family, and in the group, and in life with every system to which you belong.
Why? What was the secondary gain in being in this role?
Secondary gains = 1) power over others that threaten to activate feelings and control within self to not feel feelings 2) desperate tactics to try to get a needs met. They are always a dynamic of victim/perpetrator.
They serve the dual purpose of fight and flight. Think carefully about this statement until you fully understand it as it applies to you.
Journal about each role. Who filled the other roles in your family? How did this pit you against one another in a stable configuration of dysfunction?
All of these roles are appropriate if they are lived in love, with awareness. Let’s bring motive and memory to the light so that these roles can all be used to the higher good of yourself and others, instead of to the detriment of self and other.
The Clown, Entertainer, Mascot and/or Slacker
Often entertains by being funny, the court jester, creative, amusing, cute, silly and deflects attention away from the issues, pain and problems. Sometimes act younger, more fragile and sillier than they really are
Humor can be self deprecating or mean spirited
Often the family pet
Hyperactive, short attention span, distractible – labeled with learning disabilities
The Scapegoat, The Rebel, Problem Child, Identified Patient and Bearer of Symptoms
The one who unconsciously detracts attention away from the real issues and real problems by acting out, drawing attention to self, rebellion, making noise, irritating behaviors, hyperactivity defying authority – as teens are counter cultural, hostile, defiant, trouble maker, uses chemicals. May become addicts.
Acts out the systems anger and tension.
The Hero/Heroine, the Perfect One, The High Achiever
The one who makes everyone else look good and gives a sense of pride to the family.
Has fantasies of accomplishment to make the family be okay – outwardly successful, special, all together, super responsible, helpful, workaholicsIgnore the problem and presents everything in a positive light (problems issues are ignored)
Perfectionistic, overly conscientious, conforms to rules, seeks approval, judgmental
Feels fraudulent – as if someone will “find them out.”
The Caretaker/Enabler/Rescuer/fixer/Parent/Placator/
Peacemaker/Martyr
The one who becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others.
Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met.
They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it.
They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people.
The Invisible, lost child
The one who “gets out of the way,” becomes invisible, hides, leaves, withdraws, careful not to make problems or draw attention to self.
Withdraws into solitary activities, fantasy activities (reading, internet), becomes super independent and a loner, quiet, withdrawn, muted identity.
Often overweight.
Give up their own needs and never talk about problems in system.
Avoid conversation about the family.
Rules of Dysfunctional Systems
Consider now the rules of the dysfunctional system.
These rules are well documented – I have given them to you many, many times. Reading them superficially does nothing, unless you are willing to find the ways in which you still adhere to the rules and are part of the dysfunction of your family of origin – which gets replicated in group. It requires you doing the daily practice of considering your choices, your words, your actions, your thoughts, your motives, and your dynamics with others.
Consider the following common unwritten and unconscious rules of dysfunctional systems. How did your parents live by them (or not). How can you change these rules into a statement of intention for yourself? Dysfunctional systems that produce shame and are ruled by shame, are dominated by aggressive, passive aggressive and passive players, playing games of win/lose, based on a belief system of there being winners and losers and an eye for an eye mentality. Success and failure are based on external criteria. Some of the rules that maintain this are:
1. It is not O.K. to talk about problems openly and directly. If this happens you will be ignored, blamed, criticized, judged, ostracized or punished in some way. Nor is it okay to tell anyone outside the family system about issues and dysfunction. You do not “hang your dirty laundry in public.” Keep the secrets.
2. Negative feelings especially of hurt, fear and shame should not be expressed openly, directly or honestly. If this happens you will be ignored, blamed, criticized, judged, ostracized or punished in some way.
3. Communication about problems and feelings must be indirect. One person is the messenger between others. Communication is through gossiping, triangulating, troublemaking and secretly forming allies to change the power differential.
4. Be strong (don’t have problems or feelings), do everything right and be perfect. Achieve, achieve, achieve and don’t screw up or complain about injustices.
5. Don’t be selfish - that is, consider your own needs, feelings, thoughts. Everything else and everyone else must come first.
6. Do as I say not as I do. System is full of double standards and double messages.
7. It is not O.K. to play or be playful - this is serious business and there is no room for relaxation, time off, sickness, time for the family, weekends, humor or lightness etc.
8. Don’t rock the boat and keep the peace at all costs - in other words never express anything negative or possibly conflictual - just obey and submit. Keep your feelings, thoughts and need to yourself and cope.
9. Feelings are to be stuffed and repressed and then expressed aggressively and punitively - but only by parents.
10. Mistakes blamed on others, justified, minimized or denied.
11. You will be rewarded if you comply to being submissive (with drive and ambition), obedient (but not weak), responsible - i.e. a work horse (but not be stressed).
12. Things are either right or wrong, black or white and comparisons are made all the time.
Find how deeply embedded these rules are inside of you and bring them to awareness in your everyday interactions and decisions. It is not enough to read them and say, “Oh yes, I see how that happened.” You must see how it is still happening intra- and inter-dynamically. You need to memorize these rules and then examine every day where you live by them.
How often are you enacting these rules in life the group?
Boundaries
The roles and rules of dysfunctional family systems result in bad boundaries and these systems are dominated by loose and inappropriate, shaming boundaries, or rigid, unreasonable and punitive boundaries.
ANY BEHAVIOR THAT COMES FROM UNAWARE SUFFERING will be a Power and Control tactic and therefore a boundary violation – against yourself and others. ANY BEHAVIOR THAT COMES FROM FULL AWARENESS AND LOVE will not be a boundary violation.
So the only way to live a life of good boundaries is to get aware.
In order to understand what a good boundary is, it is necessary to see what a bad boundary is and to find it in yourself with full awareness of how it arose in you and how you learned it. If you learned it you can unlearn it. Start working now on keeping a list of what you know to be boundary violations. Adhering to any of the dysfunctional roles and rules outlined above constitutes a boundary violation. Terry Kellogg, in his book “Broken Toys, Broken Dreams” gives pages of lists of emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual and spiritual boundary violations. Print them off and keep them in you journal so you can refer to them often, journal about them and bring back memories that need healing. This book will give everyone a lot of pause for reflection and awareness.
Here is just one example adapted from his book:
Emotional Boundary Violations
When our emotional boundaries are violated we lose the ability to enhance and share our feelings which affects intimacy. We lose the gifts of our emotional life guidelines. Emotional violations include:
• abandonment, living in isolation, neglect
• feelings denied and made fun of or being told what we can feel and when we can feel
• being raged at
• constant criticism
• name-calling, ridicule, put downs, being belittled and scapegoated
• sarcasm
• comparisons
• blaming, finger pointing
• unrealistic or lack of expectations
• excess or no pressure to succeed
• being judged and never good enough or always better than
• excessive focus on repetitive, negative comments
• double binds and double messages
• being terrorized
• lack of affirmation
• no structure or limits, no consequences or overly structured with excess limits
• over protected, smothered and not being made responsible for behaviors
• no protection from the emotional abuse of others
• poor modeling of relationships and feelings
• lack of affirmation of feelings
• people projecting their feelings
• racism and other prejudices and -isms
• being rejected
• not being taught to care for self
• not being given gentleness or warmth
• living with addictions or addicts
• living with depression or illness and not being able to talk about it
• living with denial and denied feelings
• being shamed for the feelings we have or how we express them
• being taught some feelings are okay and and others are not
• not being taught appropriate expression of feelings
• not being taught there’s a time and a place for feelings
• living with many secrets
• sticky non-directive parenting
• excess guilting and shaming
• not being listened to
• being the favorite kid or the little prince or princess or a parent’s best buddy
• inappropriate roles in families
• having to be an extension of parents or scripted by the parent
• being over-bonded to a parent
• being placed in inappropriate settings and around inappropriate people
• excess suspicion
• getting over involved in parents’ problems
• living with people who are phobic, worrisome, obsessive and overindulgent
• excess emphasis on externals - physical appearance, possessions, performance and manners.
* not teaching good manners and self care
~Adapted from “Broken Toys Broken Dreams.”
By Terry Kellogg
“From the single cell up to a complete human being, this boundary formation is the first step toward autonomous living. With growing brain capacity, advanced organisms cultivated a memory record and, in humans, reflective consciousness. Humans thus gained the potential to anticipate and manage by intention. They developed the potential to move with progressive efficiency and creativity toward goals. The possibility of civilization as we know it was born. In personal growth work we seek to consciously improve the ability to build and maintain adaptive boundaries so a person can continue to evolve to higher levels of functioning.” ~Ron Hook
Many of you ask us “What does a loving parent look like? How do I even know how to be loving to myself?” This is a very valid question. Loving relationship is not modeled or experienced for the most part. And we cannot know something we do not yet know.
What we can do, is define and see what is not loving. When we are good disciples meaning we discipline our unloving thoughts and behaviors by following a higher ideal, - eg. to be accepting instead of judgmental, or to set limits instead of aggressing, or speaking up instead of complaining, we gradually begin to find another voice, and it is this voice of non-judgment and pure witness that is the Loving Parent.
What happens with discipline, is a gradual shift from what is not loving to what is loving, as awareness dawns. Non-judgmental awareness that results in change, is love. The work at this stage is merely to see what is not loving with “unconditional positive regard,” as Carl Rogers says, with deep empathy for what gave rise to the behaviors and thoughts. Then you have choice, or for the first time, and this is free will – a will freed from conditioning and blindness.
Do your own research on rules, roles and boundaries in dysfunctional family systems and in functional family systems. There is a great deal of literature out there. Terry Kellogg’s book is a good place to start.
“The utter atrocities of Nazism have shown us clearly what the inherent potential of destruction in the parenting rules we have been using for the last 150 years. These rules are non-democratic. They are based on inequality of power and unequal rights. They promote the use and ownership of some people by others and teach the denial and repression of emotional vitality and spontaneity. They glorify obedience, orderliness, logic, rationality, power and male supremacy. They are flagrantly anti-life.” ~John Bradshaw, Bradshaw on the Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem
“I explain to my patients that abused children often find it hard to disentangle themselves from their dysfunctional families, whereas children grow away from good, loving parents with far less conflict. After all, isn't that the task of a good parent, to enable the child to leave home?” ~Irvin Yalom
