Midwifing Death
“Human life is precious.’ ‘And human death is sacred. Or at least it should be – and would be, if we allowed it to be. In the short experience I have had, sitting with the dying, I can say that the last few hours are always peaceful, almost spiritual. Wouldn’t you call that a sacred time?” ~Jennifer Worth from “Call the Midwife”
“There is not a single dying human being who does not yearn for love, touch, understanding, and whose heart does not break from the withdrawal of those who should be drawing near.”
~Jennifer Worth, In the Midst of Life - “Call the Midwife”
“Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life”. ~John Muir
For many years my friend and colleague, Lora Matz, and myself have offered a training in ”Midwifing Death,” geared to care providers, hospice workers, those dying and everyone else, as well. The extent to which we learn to live a sacred life, in harmony and peace with the daily cycles of living and dying, is the extent to which our deaths are likely to be experienced as the sacred event that it is. It is true that a life lived in awareness and love, optimizes the chances of a natural final death that is conscious, filled with light and love. I offer here some teachings and exercises for journaling and reflection, and if you are interested in a three day workshop please contact me.
What is Life?
“What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time; It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.” ~Last words of Crowfoot, Blackfoot hunter
Write your own poem starting with:
“What is life?”
Write another poem starting with:
“What is death?”
To facilitate your thinking about this ask yourself what your own life has taught you about the cycles of life and death that occur every moment of every day, in small ways and also very big ways. Until we can truly ask ourselves what life and death are, and what the purpose of this experience of life and death is about, we will find no direction or meaning in our lives, or our deaths. The answer to the question of “What is life?” and “What is death?” may change throughout life, depending on our stage of development,. state of consciousness, personal experiences and awareness. Consider how you might have answered the question as a child, a teenager, a young adult, an older wiser person…..
“Death is a state of mind---many people on Earth spend their entire lives dead.” ~Gabrielle Zevin
“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” ~J.R.R. Tolkein
Fear Of Dying - Journaling Exercise
Our fears about the future are usually projections of emotions that we have already experienced in the past. In other words, they are unconscious emotional memories. Consider all the fears below in the light of where they ve already experienced them– eg. Do you remember emotional experiences of being helpless, alone, in pain? What happened? Our fears are also rooted in dualistic belief systems about heaven and hell, good and bad, right and wrong, safe and unsafe. What beliefs do you still have that frighten you or make you feel shame? Where did you get these beliefs?
The more awareness we have, the less fear there is.
Can you articulate what your fears are around dying?
Do you have a fear of physical pain and suffering? What do you imagine?
Do you have a fear of losing your mental capacities? What do you imagine?
Do you have fears about not being able to talk and communicate?
Do you have fears about being dependent and helpless?
What kind of death seems the worst to you? Being alone, accident, disease, violent death, natural disaster, old age?
What would your ideal death be? Can you draw an image of this?
What are you afraid you will not have done, accomplished, said, experienced?
What fears do you have about after death? Nothingness? Hell? Punishment? Can you draw an image?
What grief comes up for you when you think about your death?
What hardship and sadness are you afraid of causing? To whom?
Are you afraid of feeling shame as you functions deteriorate?
Do you have a sense of shame and failure that frightens you about the life you have lived?
Do you fear your life has had little or no meaning?
Are you afraid of dying young, old? Why?
When Death Comes
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
~Mary Oliver
Letter to the Caretaker of the one Grieving
There is nothing like death and grief to trigger us into an emotional memory of helplessness and anxiety. It is out of these two emotions that we rush to try to fix, help or control the person grieving into being happy, and “getting through it, and moving on with their lives,” so that we do not have to feel the intolerable suffering of our own helplessness and fear in the face of inevitable and intolerable suffering and loss. Or alternatively, instead of giving advice, we feel mute and distance ourselves, not know what to say or how to be with such sadness. Consider for a moment what you did as a child when your mother or father were sad, upset, depressed, angry, hurting... Did you, in your anxiety try to help them or absent yourself? Whether we took flight from our feelings of discomfort or tried to ease them – it was a perfectly adaptive response to the developmental age of childhood. For more… read here
Letter to the Caretaker of the Chronically Ill and Dying
A great deal is being requested of you. Not only do you have to give of your time, attention, and service, but also your heart, during a life already full of other demands.
As you care for your loved one, your own heart will be breaking. You will feel the grief of all the daily losses in your own life. There is a slow dying as your loved one can no longer be fully present to your emotional, physical, and mental needs and as you meet more and more of theirs. You will feel the grief of the loss of your loved one’s presence to you, gradually, painfully and in the end, finally. You will feel the loss of your life as you have known it until now and the anticipatory losses in the future. This will also bring up all the old unresolved losses of your entire life.
Ritualizing the End of Life
“This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don't have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn't have the specific ritual you are craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
• Have you given thought to how you would like survivors to celebrate your life when you die?
• Have you made arrangements and written down your ideas for music, poetry, liturgy, ritual?
• Have you spoken about this with your loved ones?
• What was the essence of your life that you want remembered, and what do you want to release and let go of?
• Who would you like to be in charge of arrangements?
• What stories will others tell of your life?
• Have you told all the stories of your life?
• What gets in the way of having the conversation about after death arrangements, either with someone who is dying or about your own dying?
• How can you integrate religious tradition with your spirituality and honor both?
For more I offer the celebration of life I did for my mother as an example of ritual that is personalized …. read here
Questions to Process One’s Life
In which ways were you true to yourself and in which ways did you sometimes compromise and live the way others expected you to?
What stopped you from doing what you wanted?
What would you have done differently if you had to do it over again?
What dreams have you not fulfilled/have fulfilled?
For more … Read here
