May 2021 - Compassion Group Notes
Lack of Empathy - How do you Know?
When people try to reframe and put a silver lining around your feelings and experience
When people give advice and suggest solutions for your experience
When people switch the conversation to their similar experiences and feelings
When people avoid asking questions or are overly intrusive with their questions
When people avoid you or judge you
When people are distracted and do not listen attentively
When people argue with your perceptions and experiences
When people regurgitate tired platitudes and aphorisms
Find your self first as the knower of the known, and then as the knowing in both. ~Rupert Spira
Lack of Empathy - A Failure of Imagination
When I was a child, one of the most repetitive themes for conversation whenever we went on a short or long trip in the car was the refrain from my mother saying, “God, can you imagine what it must be like to do that job?” when looking at someone digging ditches on the side of the road by hand to lay down cables. Or, “can you imagine living like that?” as we passed through areas of extreme poverty and deprivation, or “Can you imagine what that person’s life must be like?” as she left the tired and defeated woman at the check-out till at the grocery store. She would go on to describe in her imagination what she thought that person’s life must be like. She would say things like, “I feel tired at the end of the day. I cannot imagine working the hours that woman does and then standing in line for an hour to get a crowded taxi home and then to make a fire to cook food for the family when you get home at 9.00 o’clock . I can just feel the exhaustion. And then, to have to get up at 5.00 in the morning, get everything ready for the kids so that she can get to work by 8. And then to have a white boss who yells at you if you are late. What kind of life is that? My mother never numbed herself to the suffering of others. Instead she joined, actively in her imagination, with the suffering of others.
The Tao - Verse 49 -Haven Trevino translation
Love flows into a clear mind
Ripples outward to those in need.
Your kind deeds, your loving thoughts
Travel invisible pathways,
Elevate rulers and ruled alike
A world, even worlds away.
Likewise, your faith
May light a thousand cities
Endowing both the kindly and the cruel.
Strength in one is strength in all
And light in one brings light to all.
The truth about yourself is healing.
Don’t hold anything back.
Lack of Empathy - Advice not Asked for is Advice not Taken
I once made this mistake - to voice my opinion and give advise to my Uncle Fred. He was a tall, skinny Yorkshireman, his skin weathered, wrinkled and dried out like old leather by the African sun. He toughened me up, taking me on fishing trips, expecting me to be “one of the men,” tolerating no “sissy” behavior. He secretly admired me, but he tolerated no “bloody nonsense,” from a child. I must have said, something like, “Why don’t you…..interspersing some childish advise into a grown-up conversation. "“The immediate response was, “And who asked you, young lady for your high and mighty opinion and advise?” Chastened, shamed and put in my place I learned to shut up and listen. And yes, correctly so.
Study this picture. What “advice” springs to mind? Why? Can you seek to understand and empathize before you offer your unsolicited and ignorant opinion and advice? Why is your mind springing to solutions?
Lack of Empathy - “Don’t be Afraid”
To tell someone to “not be afraid,” is a form of advice that is particularly pernicious, especially when it is said with a caring and concerned voice, with gentleness and seeming presence. It is the quiet exhortation of someone asking someone in a really terrifying situation to not be afraid, because it is eliciting fear in the listener. We hear it all the time - with little children that are afraid of new experiences in life and old people afraid of dying. It is the cry of our culture. Do not have your feelings, do not experience what I do not wish to experience with you. I cannot be present to my own feelings, let alone yours.
Lack of Empathy - Lack of Awareness about One’s own Anxiety
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.” ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Consider this picture. What fears would come up in you as your reached to rescue and help? How might a lack of awareness impair your ability to actually help? Who is it that needs your recognition and help, first?
Once, I ran from fear
so fear controlled me.
Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.
Listen to it, but not give in.
Honour it, but not worship it.
Fear could not stop me anymore.
I walked with courage into the storm.
I still have fear,
but it does not have me.
Once, I was ashamed of who I was.
I invited shame into my heart.
I let it burn.
It told me, "I am only trying
to protect your vulnerability".
I thanked shame dearly,
and stepped into life anyway,
unashamed, with shame as a lover.
Once, I had great sadness
buried deep inside.
I invited it to come out and play.
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.
And I found joy right there.
Right at the core of my sorrow.
It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.
Once, I had anxiety.
A mind that wouldn't stop.
Thoughts that wouldn't be silent.
So I stopped trying to silence them.
And I dropped out of the mind,
and into the Earth.
Into the mud.
Where I was held strong
like a tree, unshakeable, safe.
Once, anger burned in the depths.
I called anger into the light of myself.
I felt its shocking power.
I let my heart pound and my blood boil.
Listened to it, finally.
And it screamed, "Respect yourself fiercely now!".
"Speak your truth with passion!".
"Say no when you mean no!".
"Walk your path with courage!".
"Let no one speak for you!"
Anger became an honest friend.
A truthful guide.
A beautiful wild child.
Once, loneliness cut deep.
I tried to distract and numb myself.
Ran to people and places and things.
Even pretended I was "happy".
But soon I could not run anymore.
And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.
And I died and was reborn
into an exquisite solitude and stillness.
That connected me to all things.
So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.
My heart One with all other hearts.
Once, I ran from difficult feelings.
Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,
and they all have a home in me,
and they all belong and have dignity.
I am sensitive, soft, fragile,
my arms wrapped around all my inner children.
And in my sensitivity, power.
In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.
In the depths of my wounds,
in what I had named “darkness”,
I found a blazing Light
that guides me now in battle.
I became a warrior
when I turned towards myself.
And started listening.
~ Jeff Foster
