May 2020 - Compassion Group Notes
The Container and the one Contained
“A human being must be born twice. Once from his mother and again from his own body and his own existence. The body is like an egg and the essence of man must become a bird in that egg through the warmth of love, and then he must go beyond his body and fly in the eternal world of the soul.” ~Rumi
Our relationship to our own young wounded soul must be like a mother bird building a nest and holding within it the young soul. She must tend it and feed it, keep it warm and watch over it attentively, giving to it all that is required for growth, so that it might one day fly free.
This concept has been written about by Jung and a whole psychos-analytic theory developed out of this by W.R Bion. You can certainly research this concept more,ipped to parent yoursel however, the concept is simple. As a child the nest in which you were reared was not optimum in some ways. The external job done by your parents was adequate to one degree or another, but in order to truly awaken to love and truth and live in harmony with the Will of the Universe, a second round of parenting or containment is required, and this time the job has to be done by you. This is a very tall order. You have to understand all the developmental phases you have already lived through and be in relationship to each age of yourself as the one who corrects the misunderstandings that occurred, that loves what was not loved, that has empathy for what was not met with empathy, that brings acceptance to what was unacceptable, and on and on. You have to birth yourself again by the heat of your own love. And this is only possible if the heart is open and there is enough wisdom and knowledge of stages of development to actually be ab equ
One aspect of parenting that is sorely misunderstood is the notion of limit setting and fierce love. Love never allows someone to continue doing what is destructive to themselves and others.
The challenge to you is: “How do you contain your feelings and needs, your beliefs and behaviors and examine them deeply in a way that lead to self growth, instead of acting out, (as in blaming and accusing) or acting in (as in wallowing in self pity, self doubt and self recrimination) ?”
Praise and Punishment
Praise and punishment by parents are exactly the same dynamic.
In both cases the parent is parenting out of unaware fears and needs, and are over-identified with their children seeing them as extensions of themselves, not as unique human beings. They praise and punish in order to get the child to comply with their expectations of what is “good, right and perfect,” so that the child does not evoke the shame of failure in them. If the child is not successful then it reflects on them. Instead of really hearing the child’s deeper needs and feelings, they focus on performance and behavior.
Even more deeply they are projecting their own self-judgment on to the child. (If they had done that when they were children, they would have been worthy of praise or punishment, and so, of course, this judgment is passed on down).
Both praise and punishment then, are rooted in the unaware fears and needs of the parents and the children have to perform so as not to trigger the parents feelings of shame and inadequacy.
Of course, what is “good, right and perfect,” is arbitrary and based on the parents own socialization and culture. What is “good” in one system, may not be “good” in another system. For instance in a hunting family, killing animals would be considered, “Good and manly and being a good provider.” In another family it would be seen as “violent, bad and irresponsible stewardship of the environment.” What is valued at one stage of development is not valued at another stage of development. Feelings are deeply connected to these beliefs and also the needs of the inner child.
Praise and punishment are designed to control the behavior of a child, and they do. The child that receives praise, feels temporary relief, but also a generalized underlying anxiety about “what if….” they fail. The child that is punished feels shame all the time. In both instances the child’s attention is no longer interior, but externally focused on the feelings and needs of the parents. They develop a kind of hyper-vigilance to what others require of them, so they are safe of the threat of shame, and in so doing lose touch with, and awareness of their own feelings and needs.
When a parent says, “I am so proud of you,” instead of, “How did your accomplishment make you feel?” they are literally robbing the child of their achievement, their inner sense of satisfaction and taking it for themselves.
If you are now to be your own internal parent, to your own inner children, this is the first lesson to learn - to not praise and punish yourself, but to ask yourself the deeper inner questions. What motivated me to do what I did? “What did I do?” “How did it make me feel?” For more … Read here
When we walk around saying, “I am so proud of myself,” we are really just repeating the parental pattern and it covers up the deeper layer of self doubt and fear that lead to the accomplishment, whatever that might be. If we were in touch with the deep sense of gratification, and joy that comes from creativity, we would be filled with gratitude, not pride. Pride is always a cover to shame.
Consider what it has actually felt like to be praised? And punished? Think of times when it felt good and examine this “good feeling.” Can you find the underlying angst inherent in the good feeling? Consider what it is like, when, as an adult, you are praised by someone in authority, above you. Can you feel the condescending nature of this? Who has the power and control? Can you find the experience within of being manipulated?
Masculine and Feminine Energies
For a map of energy in human development on both the light side and the dark side …. examine this map
See you can track the whole evolution from the Alpha to the Omega and see what questions arise for you. We had a wonderful discussion on this and I am happy to answer e-mail questions you might have.
See if you can track the entire evolution of Consciousness from the Alpha to the Omega (represents the human life from complete unawareness to full awareness of self as Consciousness), and see the shifting of energies within yourself, from unaware 1st Quadrant functioning (approximately 0 - 6 years of age) in the Soul body, to unaware ego functioning in the 2nd quadrant (approximately 6 - death in most of the human race), to 3rd quadrant representing the turning inward, to the more realized states in the 4th Quadrant.
Note that even if you are in a female body, the overall energy of the physical realm is masculine in energy (concrete, specific, differentiated) and even if you are a male, the soul body is Feminine. This may seem counter-intuitive for you, but it is valuable to work with finding these energies within yourself, both on the dark side and on the light side.
On the dark, unaware side, there is no compassion and wisdom in the soul - just magical, archaic and superstitious thought, fear and shame, and unaware connection to the archetypal realm and Spirit.
In unaware ego functioning, there is awareness of what one is doing, but little awareness as to why. The thinking is dualistic, rational, defensive and protective and there is little connection to spirit - little joy, freedom, peace, harmony, creative expression or love. Mostly there is the seeking of pleasure to escape the torment on unaware drives and needs and emotion.
It is only through concerted effort and inner work that one can move to the 3rd quadrant and gain some awareness. This is the start of your evolution in consciousness, rather than a devolution further into defense and pretense.
See if you can identify ways in which you still live in 1st and 2nd quadrant, on the dark side of the masculine and feminine functions and energies. Not with judgment, but with great celebration that you can bring awareness to that which was unaware.
Recommended Reading this month
Nepo, Mark. Seven Thousand Ways to Listen
