August 2020 -Compassion Group Notes
Compromise or Collaborate?
We were taught to compromise from our earliest days in relationship to the family group and social groupsin which we grew up. We learned to do it both gratefully and also resentfully.
When we were little and did not want to go shopping with our parents, for instance, we voiced our displeasure and were told all the reasons why we had to go with them - in other words, we were argued out of our “unreasonableness” to meet the parental need. Very often we were offered a reward for doing what we did not want to do…. to make up for the misery of tagging along. It might have been a food treat, or a toy, or some concession “when you get home,” or simply the relief of not feeling “selfish” and “unreasonable”. The kid is the “toy” for the parent that gives them a sense of security, value, and lovability.
Thus the template of bargaining and compromise is set. We learned that to “get along,” with others, we have to give up what we want or need and accommodate others…. And expect some external reward in return.
